I am still drawn to “depression songs” although they don’t describe me to a “T” anymore. Sometimes I feel as if I am depressed “inside” but I have “covered it up” and the feelings themselves are hidden from me. It may be the medication “covering” the depression, but the disease is still there.
I am again feeling “escapism”. My #1 wish is that I could just “step out” of my life and relax for a time, without all of the “balls” that I am juggling falling down. Why do I feel that way? What makes me feel like I should just “run away”? I could just be tired from a hectic lifestyle. I’ve lived it so long I don’t know how to quit. I need to limit what I do. It could be that the “depression” limits my abilities and I just can’t handle what I could before- but when I finally “cure it” I will be able to go back the way I was.
Why do I feel guilty for my desire to take a nap? Because there are children to watch and if I don’t do it, my husband has to. Why is that not acceptable? Because my husband deserves the nap 100 X more than I do since he had been up for 36 hours. He gets a lot less sleep than I do and stays up to get things done. If I take a nap it is not fair to him because he does not nap.
Some of the thoughts that go through my mind are:
“Push it”. I don’t care how I feel, how much it hurts, or if I even want to do it. It is the next step. It needs to be done, and I will do it. Working out, you get to your limit, then you “push it” a little bit further. I do it with life.
“Get over it” or “Let it roll”. I don’t care how much what just happened hurts, don’t react, and just let it “roll off your back”. Don’t let it in.
“Head first”. If I am going to commit to doing something I will put everything I have into it. If I am going to “jump” then I will give it my all and jump “head first”. If I am going to give, I give all that I have. If I am going to commit, I commit all that I have. I don’t do anything halfway.
“Just do” I don’t care if I feel the emotion to support the action. Just do the action, the emotion will follow. If it doesn’t, at least the action is done.
Is this “deficit” what brings others “benefit”? I have been successful so far because the “drive” that I have is beyond what “normal” people are willing or able to do. If I give this up and become “healthy”, will I loose my success?
All of the “greats” such as Picasso and Shakespeare were depressed. Everyone seems to have something. Is it possible that the “unhealthy” drive that I have is actually my “gift” rather than a problem?
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When you cannot stand, on whom do you lean?