I feel my problem(s) are really very insignificant compared to most here. But perhaps someone will have an easier time telling me if I'm wrong to feel the way I do or not. Yes, I know the feelings can't be 'wrong'. But perhaps some perspective might change my feelings. I've only partially discussed this with a couple of friends.
Background: a little over a year ago my husband of 41 years received a letter from a 52 year old woman who thought he was her father - short version - she is! (DNA proof to 95% and circumstances of pregnancy).
She came to visit last year in March for 8 days. I liked her and so did my husband. I had lunch with them several times and she visited at our house a lot, but I stayed out of the way most of the time.
Shortly after she left, my husband left his email open on our computer to a letter he was writing to her aunt. In this message he told the aunt how great his new daughter was and how they were both real "family name" type people. He's never said that to our only son. I've apologized for reading it, but the fact is I did. He also (he says jokingly) that we didn't get in any fights (newly discovered daughter and I) His letter was signed love, dad. I was heart broken that he would have these kinds of feelings for someone whom he had only donated sperm and never met until they interacted for 8 days. He never expressed these feelings to our son that I've heard since he was very small. Yes, I know it may be a guy thing that it's ok to show feelings to daughters and not sons.
We have only 1 child, a 40 year old son who was doing great as an IT person with a job history of 8-9 years at the same company. He was laid off after in a re-organization and because we discovered he'd become addicted to Meth. He has been off the drug for over 3 years, but has been declared disabled because he still has panic attacks, severe depression and cannot go out in public. He takes medication(s) for these problems and seems to be getting steadily better.
Two months she came again (without asking) for 4 days. I was very upset because my husband had agreed that he would go visit her and that I didn't need to interact with her or the rest of her family anymore. She has 4 children and 3 grandchildren. Our son has no children, nor is he married.
I know I should be happy for him. He's always wanted grandchildren and now he has 4 plus 3 greats! I know he loves both my son and myself -- at least he says so. And he usually acts like it also. But I can't help feeling like we (my son and I) are now just 'there' and she and her family are exciting and wonderful to him.
I feel worthless and rejected a lot of the time. I've lost 40# because being depressed causes me to loose my
my appetite completely. I've considered counseling, but know that lots of times one has to go to several to get a good match. And I feel even worse contemplating counseling.\
Bottom line: I am jealous, depressed and ashamed of myself because of it. But it makes me cry each time I hear the joy in my husband's voice when he talks to his daughter or to his brothers and sister about her. Note that I am not jealous of his having sex with someone 52 years ago, 3 days before he shipped out on a submarine for Korea.