I am so sorry u are feeling this way. Your post caught my eye this morning and i have gone back and read your first post and a numerous amount of your more recent posts.
I wanted to let you know that with depression and anxiety, it can often feel like it will never get better and that you have done everything you know to do to make it better and nothing works.
I have been married now for 22 years; I was 16 and my husband 18 when we were married and we had dated for almost 3 yrs. We wanted to get married, but we were really young. Anyway I got pregnant 2 mos before my 16th bday. So in June, got married -October had daughter.
Point is at age 15 I had truely disappointed my parents and others; At age 18 my father was killed instantly on a Monday morning at the age of 40 in a car wreck by a drunk driver.Age 20, had a son and was in hospital a lot due to premature labor, he was born early and had to be on a ventilator wasn't sure if he would make it; he did and he is fine. The entire first year of his life though he was sick constantly. When he was 4 mos old my husband joined the Army,The Iraq stuff kicked off when he went in. He was in basic training when our son had to have tubes put in his ears; I was there to do everything by myself, work, raise 2 kids, figure out how to pay bills, etc...
Then while husband still in basic training, son was 6 mos old, a tornado hit my in-laws home where i was at the time. There was no warnings it just came up out of the clear blue sky litterally; It took the roof off the house, totalled all of our cars and this was a brick house;
Anyway I was terrified - I thought we were going to die.....I lived in a mobile home, so I was
really scared about that. For a long time I could barely eat, if a leaf would move on a tree I was petrified!!! couldn't determine how weather was at any moment - it was awful. I was hyperventilating, having heart palpitations, couln't sleep, felt dizzy, had no energy, etc...
Finally, I went to a psychiatrist she said I had PTSD, anxiety, and major depression. Put me on meds - antidepressant. She also told me that it wasn't just the tornado that caused this, i had had so much stress that it was like having a tea cup that u are constantly dropping a drop into and when the tornado hit, the teacup runneth over and my body couldn't take anymore stress. But, although I understood what was happening to me now and why, that medicine alone didn't really help me that much.
We moved all the way across the US on the first assignment. I had never been away from my home where I grew up and I was 20 yrs old. Was excited and scared to move: still terribly scared of storms & I still battled depression and anxiety. I also did stupid stuff like get in closets and things to protect us when they called for storms, very embarrassing and unneccessary, so people made fun of it and I hated being that way, but I couldn't help it + on top of that I got homesick often.
Several years later, we came back home, but husband still in military... Saw my regular doctor, because I was having weird & scary things going on, like chest pain and dizziness and stuff & she gave me Xanax to take when I needed it and set me up an appt with my counselor. I saw counselor and psychiatrist they started me on new meds - didn't help, so they increased my dose x 2 more times. Funny thing is, when a storm would come up, I wouldn't take the Xanax
because if I did, then I couldn't feel like I could protect us and know what was going on, because it made me sleepy, but if I was just upset and anxious about other stuff i did take it and it helped a lot. Well next thing ya know I was really hurt emotionally by a distant family member & that made things even worse.
Anyway at this point when meds didn't help me much, my counselor suggested getting intensive outpatient treatment w/group therapy. I did not like this idea and I fought it.
I called her up and said I don't want to go; She said for once do something for yourself, just go one time, if you don't feel comfortable, u never have to go again. So I reluctantly agreed.
So, u see it took me a long time to get to feeling better, mainly because I didn't keep getting professional help like I needed to for a long time, we moved and the first medicine didn't really work that good, so I just didn't. But then when I went back to my reg doctor and then started seeing the counselor and the psychiatrist, and kept going and telling them that I wasn't any better, I finally got on the right meds and went to the outpatient program everyday for weeks, I did get better.
I still suffer from depression, anxiety, and PTSD and I always will, I have to take my medicines.
I am a lot better now. I still have times when things upset me and get me really down, and when I get that way, I tell my doctor and sometimes they up my dosage of my anti-depressant, and usually when I get to feeling better, we go back down on the dosages.
This turned out really long and I am sorry for that, but what my point really is, is this: I didn't know what was wrong with me after that tornado, I hated the way I was and how I treated others. I was never suicidal, but I didn't want to live that way and it depressed me bad. I thought I would never ever get better, but I did!!!!
Keep going to a doctor, like the others have said, go to one you feel comfortable with and who you feel like is trying to help you, but know that they are going to be honest with you and you have to be honest with them too, or you will never get the help u need, and it may be hard to discuss some things (painful and embarrassing), but open up to them.
I hope you get the help you need and deserve. You are still the old you, it is just hard to find the old you right now, but you will. Good Luck.