I just want to say that this is not my post, it is our post. :) I am glad that you found a place to tell us how you feel. I will say that I know exactly how you feel and there are days as I said I wonder how in the world I made it through a particular day or event. There are days when my faith is the last thing that I want to believe in, but it is ultimately the one thing I cling on too when all else is gone.
I know that it sounds clique, but it really is. As far as depression and why it comes and goes, I could tell you a million reasons whey all related to the fact that we have no control over it. Yes, we can fight it and as you have, I have tried several almost all treatments to kill this demon, and after 42 years, it still reaks havoc on me and the people I love. That is where my faith comes in and assures me that it is depression and although today is a day where it is winning, tomorrow may be a day where the walls of your fortress per say are a little higher and you can defend yourself a little better. Do I hate depression, YOU BET I DO, MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!!!!!!!! Has it taken away some of the things I hold most dear, YES!!
You stated that you worked, I want you to know that I am not working because at this time it would be impossible for me to hold one. Do I feel like a useless piece of crap, more than you know!!! I understand the feeling of being a "waste of space" on this great big earth but I also know that no matter how useless I feel, I always find a reason sometimes so small it vanishes really quick, that I have reason to believe that I may not be as bad as I think I am. Be proud that you can hold a job no matter how hard you struggle, trust me, I would give anything if I could at least be productive enough to "go" to a job.
I am not one to blow smoke or hid behind what I am feeling so when I say that most of my days on this earth are ones where I can honestly say, why am I here and how did I make it through all the crap that depression has given me, I stop and think to myself that I really dont know how I did it and can I keep doing it, I dont know, FAITH will see me through, though. Will it get better, who knows, probably not at least for the most part but it is those times that make a difference and are few and far between that hold me together and look forward to tomorrow being a better day than today.
I will never say to you, "it could be worse" because I think that is the most overrated statement in the world. Your worse could be the most devasting experience in the world to "you" and in someone else's eyes be the most "laughable, I can't believe that upsets them" impression.
Keep the faith and know yes maybe it could be worse or maybe it is the worst at that point in time but there are always positives, no matter how small, to go on.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van ****
" I would rather have one smell of his hair or one touch of his hand than an eternity without it."