I am having a really hard time putting what I want to say in words. I know that we have to be careful here as not to alarm anyone with negative thoughts as I will try my best.
This forum has been instrumental in helping get through some of my darkest days and nights. It has also been a gateway for someone that loved and cared deeply for me to make sure I was ok, they no longer read this forum .
Today has been a day that has been instrumental in my future decision making about all that matters to me.
I am tired, frustrated, angry, hopeless, sad, feeling worthless and most of all, all alone. Today was one of those days when you just wish you had that one person that you could call and say that you needed them and they would be there in a second. I didnt have that today. I cried and cried and asked why when my faith is so strong and I have showed strength in all the crap I have gone through that I must deal with being alone.
For the first time in my life, I have decided to give up on what I have held dear and sacred. You know they say that God will only give you what you can handle and that there will be times when you say ok enough is enough, i have done that so many times that I am not going to ask anymore. I know after today that my faith was not enough and in my opinion God has given me way too much way too quick. I am convinced that in faith there is no reality and that faith is very possibly a way of "stuffing" all that you hope will or will not be.
I have been thankful for small miracles that have let me smile when i was down, i thanked my faith for them as well.
If faith is all i have then where do i go from here, after all isnt reality what we are supposed to be dealing with.
I am tired and depressed and dont know what tomorrow brings.
Oh I forgot the topper on this whole day, the pysch doc that I was excited to get to see, HE REFUSED ME HIS SERVICES BECAUSE OF MY SEVERE CASE OF DEPRESSION AND BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! Bottom line is this, he is yet another person turning his back on me. I have decided to cancel all my other doc appts., i am done with this. I will take my chances with "reality" and see what it has in store for me.
love you guys
" It’s hard to lose someone you love, to finally say goodbye. You try to be strong, but the pain keeps holding on, and all you can do is cry. Deep within your heart, you know it’s time to move on, when the fairytale you once knew is gone."
" As I stared into your eyes, you asked me why I was about to cry, it's because I know you were going to say good-bye."