Well i have been really down lately and have been hiding myself away in bed. I know its not the best thing to do but it was all i could do to keep myself safe and still here.
Anyway i am just crying and crying at the moment. The tears wont stop.
I had to take my daughter to her dancing presentation night and it lasted 3 hour, it was awful i felt like a nervous wreck and was shaking inside. The dancing was really good and she won some competitions.
But it was absolute torture for me. We came home and as soon as we came in the door my kids started arguing and i lost it with them, i was not in the best of moods.
I am a mess, i dont think i can explain how i am feeling. I will try.
My tears wont stop flowing, i am hurting so much inside, i just dont want to go on. Even though i went tonight i feel like i have let my daughter down as i was sitting there feeling the way i was, i should have been happy for her.
I feel bad about the arguement with my son whe we got in as i shouted right at him, I should know by now it does not help and just makes things worse. I even went to smack him, but didnt. I sound like such an evil person. Im not honestly, just desperate!!
At times i get really impulsive thoughts that i just want to end it all and have even planned how it will happen, but then i realise that i could not do that to my kids.
But how do you cope with the fact that if it was not for your kids then you would not exist anymore. And also the feeling of not wanting to be around never really goes away. Dont get me wrong i love my kids sooo much but i am struggling each day so they wont suffer.
So what i want does not count, i dont want my kids to have to cope with loosing there mother. And because of that i am struggling every day. I cant make sense of anything right now.
Sorry to go on.
Love and hugs