New, why do I have to be like this?

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/19/2007 10:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi.... I am new here.... i have been reading around and find it comforting to not be so alone with how I feel. I do not have medical ins. so am not officially diagnosed with depression, but i know what this is. I have these dark, hopeless, faithless, fearful, ..... Im sorry, I am having trouble focusing .... I just feel lost, alone, useless, powerless, unloved, unlovable, scared, sick..... the only time I feel okay is when my vicodin, or other pain med first kicks in, then that leads to the sickly side effects most of the time....  I go on these cycles of having some faith, feeling better and sometimes even great, and then something happens and WHAM, I am slapped right off  my happy chair down into the dark pit again.... this cycle has happend to me all my like, I am 41 now. sometimes it goes into thoughts of suicide, but I have never attempted this, I remember my kids and that i need to protect them and ten the suicide thing goes away.... but I just feel awful so much of the time and I dont know why...
I am at work right now, I should be working but I cant concentrate and no one is watching so I am just searching around for some help, some way to feel better. i have to go home in 40 minutes and am just dreading that, my wife has been a cranky ***** with me on the phone all day and my daughter has spent the night at a friends so I dont ever have her genuine love to go home to..... so, hmmmm I guess this just sort of feels like not being alone, being able to read and identify with people, I usually just look at mindless stuff on the internet, but i decided to look up depression and here I am.... if anyone wants to reply to my post, I will be able to check back tomorrow am (about 10am pacific time)

Post Edited (asking) : 6/19/2007 9:33:05 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/20/2007 12:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there asking and Welcome to HealingWell!
I am glad that you have found us and done some reading around. We are a really friendly bunch here and we all support one another when times get tough. I am from the UK so I won't pretend to understand US medical insurance since we have a National HEalth Service. (Sort of! lol) Is there some way you can get financial aid from a hospital to help cover treatment? (ShynSassy knows more about this than me, but I have heard her talk about it before)
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
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Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/20/2007 6:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Asking
Welcome to the forum,you will find the support that you are looking for here. As Darren said everyone is great on this site.

Do you have health insurance? if so I would get yourself right to the doctor asap.
My doctor put me on a combo of anti depressants,and pain meds. I think that the pain meds did help,but as you say the side effects can be harsh.
You also need to think about talking to someone that can help you find out what has triggered the depression.That is the only way you are going to be able to heal.

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 6/20/2007 8:05 AM (GMT -6)   
sad  Asking~
I want you to know that there are programs for people that cant afford health insurance or live under a certain percentage of the "poverty guidelines".  I have medicare through my disability and I am having a hard time with finding a doc to see me for my depression.  I am not sure what you situation is but as Shy stated it is important to get some help right away!    If anything, when you feel like this, go to your nearest emergency room and be assessed.  YES, GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND DONT BE ASHAMED TO TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE DEPRESSED AND WHAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE NO MATTER HOW RAW!!!!!  This could be your outlet to getting help that you may not be able to get yourself!  I know you are probably saying, what about my job and what about the expenses of the visit to the er?  At this point in time, it sounds as if you are struggling with everything from your job to financial to personal issues and if you dont get help, those would be the least of your worries.  Listen I know I had a job for over 15 years and when i t came down to my mental health or the "stability" of a job, I took my health.  Did it cost me my job, yes but I truly believe that if I did not get the help I needed, who knows if any of the other things in my life would have mattered, as it sounds like with you, it may not matter whether or not you lose it to get help, it sounds like you are on the outs with keeping this job, (that is only my feeling).
I guess what I am saying as someone that truly understands, GET HELP, go to the er and tell them what is going on and what your circumstances are.  If anything, they will help you get information on the help you need and point you in the right direction.  You would be surprised how much that visit could make a difference in finding help for you.  I am not sure where you live or what local crisis facilities you have in your city but alot of times they will even admit you to their facility or direct you to a crisis facility for a couple hours, a day or sometimes a week.  Most of these are state funded and may cost you little or no money.  Trust me, I have many times set up a payment plan on thousands of dollars at 10 dollars a month to get better.
You are reaching out and I think that is a big step!!!  I actually have a degree in Social Work and have several options that may be helpful to you.  You may contact me through my email if you are interested in programs that you may be able to access.  I would not mind doing that for you.  After all, I spent a couple years in college getting a degree that I cant use because of what my health is like, but I can be a help for people like you that need a push or direction.  Believe me I know what it is like not to be able to think straight and have the inability to make decisions because of my mind being scrambled! 
Please try to do what I opted for you regarding emergency treatment!!!  Even hotlines are helpful but I know from a professional standpoint that you need "in their face" time and you need it now.
Let me know if there is any info I can help with.
God Bless

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van ****
" I would rather have one smell of his hair or one touch of his hand than an eternity without it."

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/20/2007 10:04 AM (GMT -6)   

Oh wow, thanks everyone.... my financial situation is pretty bleak, I work 2 jobs actually, the medical care I have access to is LA county and thats where I go, on a payment plan, to seek pain management for my arthritis pain (which I think also contributes to the depression) which is almost constant.... so, why havent I told them of my depression when I go for pain management? I have thought about it, but I happen to know that the 2 Dr.'s that treat psych cases within the County system I have to go to, are awful. I have heard this from people in the waiting rooms and from people I know that have seen them.... I know I should just take my own shot at it, maybe my experience will be different.... but all that just seems to take so much energy.... I just cant stand the thought of bearing my soul to some disinterested stranger, who will just write me some "yea whatever" perscription to get me out of his office.

But I do realize the need to take some action asap... I am just getting so numb and I have to be able to take care of my kids so I know that I just cant shut down any more than I already have.... I plan to email you later this morning, faithfully4you, when I have more time to write ( I am getting my day started at job 1, yuk) I REALLY appreciate your kindness and offer to help ..... and thanks for all the kind words everyone....

I'll check back in a little while.....

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