Thank you for your insight. That's one of the things that I'm struggling with - whether or not to push her since she can't get the motivation from within. I am upset at the situation, but I'm really not mad at her, per se. I've been depressed before and I do remember just not having the motivation to do anything. I remember feeling as if there was nothing to get up for, etc. So I have tried to get her some motivation from the outside (i.e., me) to get her out of the house. The problem is that she just doesn't want to do anything at all, so her attitude when I suggest something is, "fine. tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." This is said with a bit of an attitude and as such comes across as a cop out. It's like, "I'll do it, but I will not like it and I'm telling you right now it's not my choice and if it doesn't work out, I'll say 'I told you so'." Ugh. I wish that the shower thing worked with her. Truth is, she's someone who can't stand not having a shower every day, so she sits around until noon or so and then takes a shower, gets dressed, and then sits back on the couch. Oy.
I'm certainly not interested in shoving her too hard. In fact, as I said before, I believe that I've been enabling her by NOT pushing her and taking things off of her plate. She's now used to NOT having to do anything because she KNOWS that I'll do it if she doesn't. So I have to take some responsibility for this situation to a point.
I know that five kids sounds like a lot - and it is - but our kids are pretty self-sufficient. The one that's a handful is the 2 1/2 year old. The other kids (ages 9 to 15) know the deal and just keep themselves busy. They are very used to the way my wife is during the day. It's almost as if they know that they should just stay out of her way until she approaches them for something. It's a bad thing and I'd love for it to change in the future. I absolutely have tried to set up her life so that she has time for herself. I've tried to tow that line of doing it for her and setting up an environment where she can take advantage of the time and/or resources (i.e., babysitter, my working from home w/ the kids, days off, etc.) at her disposal. The problem is that she doesn't take advantage of them. She comes up with some sort of excuse every single time. That's why I'm at the point of simply setting stuff up for her (play date anyone?) and dragging her to the door (kidding, of course).
Believe me, the making her feel like a woman thing is ALWAYS present from me. That's part of her problem with me during this time. She doesn't understand why I am in love with her and so she doesn't believe it (I think). Through therapy, we've discovered that she has thought that she has to match my energy. She has told me before that I am "too romantic, too loving, too affectionate, and too thoughtful". Oy. My response to that was, "Good luck finding a support group for that one!" What she was saying was that she felt as if she had to match me step for step when she truly doesn't and I truly don't expect it from her. Seriously. The unfortunate thing is that she has disconnected from me in the process that she's going through, so she has stopped telling me that she loves me, she has stopped being affectionate (I have to reach for her hand, give her a hug or kiss, etc.). It's tough, but I'm just trying to set aside my needs and focus on what she needs (that's a freakin' pattern, for sure).
I did let her know last night that she needs to help out in the office and she agreed...but with attitude. She refuses to discuss WITH me what her schedule will be and how many hours she will come into the office. What she said was, "you just tell me what to do and I'll do it". It's a cop out in my mind. It's her saying, "fine, I'll do it, but I won't like it, I won't be passionate about it, and when it fails, I'll say I told you so." Does that make sense? She told me that she didn't understand why she had to be involved in setting her work schedule. I said, "Honey, I respect you and love you and want you to be involved in the way you spend your day." Her response was, "I don't have anything going on, so it doesn't matter." I told her that I wanted her to at least be involved or it's going to seem like a horrible chore that she hasn't agreed to. That didn't work. She refuses to take any responsibility. Ugh.