Posted 6/20/2007 10:18 PM (GMT -6)
Wow. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have to say that my first reaction is that you are ONE LUCKY GUY. First, she (hopefully) didn't get pregnant. Secondly, you found out about her nature before you got further down the road of life with her and (as I said) had kids with her.

I don't mean to sound heartless. I understand that you love her, I do. But at the same time, it really doesn't seem as if she's "the one". It sounds as if she's got more going on than just depression. As someone said above, let her go for now and if she comes back, seek help (and wear a condom if you are intimate - SERIOUSLY, don't bring a child into this woman's life - or yours - until she is WAY better off than she is right now). If she doesn't come back, consider yourself lucky and move on...and be more careful of your choice for a life partner.

I speak from some experience. My wife has depression issues and low self esteem. It has made for a very, very difficult life. She's seeking help (which I give her BIG credit for), but my not getting her help prior to our getting married and having children (we have five kids) has lead to hard times and financial problems.

I wish you the best of luck,

Posted 6/20/2007 11:36 PM (GMT -6)

From a girl with depression-

every so often I consider devorsing my husband, running off and leaving him with my 3 kids.  other times I can' believe that I even think that.  I constantly have the urge to run away when I am down. 

The No Past Issue sounds like she has a whopper of a past, like me.  I don't bring mine up either.  I have let it slip out, but only a little at a time, over the last 10 years, and my husband Still doesn't know 1/4 of it.  he never will unless there is a reason.

some questions would be if she went to church before the "fip out"?  How long were you married?  How long had you known her?  Do you have other kids with her or in the home?   

You have 3 choices at this point.  remain "married" and let her know ( through friends, through the legal system if you have to, or directly to her if you can) that you will be waiting for her to return.  make sure that she knows where to retun to and that you will accept her in any condition and will help her get there, if needed.  I would even contest the devorce procedings if it's not already finished.  I beleve that you can decide to contest at any time.

2nd choice.  Allow the devorce to continue.  Consider yourself as a person whose spouse has broken a legal agreement and move on SLOWLY. 

3rd choice.  In some states as a spouse you have the legal right to go get her and seek mental/medical help Against Her Will. She will hate you for it for a while, but she may come arround and love you for it later.  She may get grounded and still hate you for it, but she will be stable, and even if she continues to leave it is because she chooses that with a sound mind and not a confused one.  That will depend on the laws in your state.
My husband is BiPolor and I am a depressive (possibly BiPolor II)  I would make my husband well before letting him make that choice.  I would hope he would do the same to me.  I would be mad, but in the end I would thank him.  (Just like when he tosses me in the shower when I am in a funk.  The water is cold and I am mad, but I am out of bed and I get moving and I feel better)
When you cannot stand, on whom do you lean?

Posted 6/21/2007 12:44 AM (GMT -6)
Thanks for the great feedback...

Rick: She already has children 11 and 3... different fathers. This is a fact that hurts me very much, her daughter (the 11y/o) will be starting her 5 school in a year! The 11 y/o is already on ADDHD meds... the 3 year old can only say one word "truck" and is a tazmanian devil... all she does is yell at the kids... can never "mother" them as a mother should... the do get fed, clothed, etc. but the emontional end of it is not there... as I type this I am beginning to wonder just what in the heck was I thinking... oh yeah... I was duped!

Christina: Some very interesting points you bring up... I am convinced that 1) she has no concept of what love really is 2) it was the intamacy that should could not handle (emotional not physcial) 3) accountability to anyone (including herself) is very scary for her. In your 2nd option you recommend moving on "SLOWLY"... what do you mean by this one? Your questions: chruch... we had just started going as a family the begining of Apri... Length of marriage 4 months we knew each other for 6 months... children I have two from a previous marriage (13 & 10) she has two from seperate previous relationships
Posted 6/21/2007 6:36 AM (GMT -6)
I replied to your email. Sorry I did not see it until later in the day.

You can't make someone love you. I know you are hurting right now,and want everything to be ok again.
But at some point you are going to have to walk away. It is time to worry about you and what you need and deserve. You deserve someone that loves you back,and does not turn on you like that.
As Red said she has a disease that has taken over her life,that is not your fault and until she deals with it there is not much you can do.
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

Posted 6/21/2007 12:31 PM (GMT -6)

Wow, now I really think that you may end up on the lucky end of this hard as it is to hear that. I went through a divorce almost 6 years ago and I probably couldn't hear that type of statement back then when I was in it, but I can see it now. Of course, that was a 15 year relationship (10 years married with two kids, house, business, etc.), so it was a bit tougher on me at the time (not to belittle your situation or feelings!).

Considering that your children are involved as well (I didn't know that before), you should really stop and take stock and a deep breath. She's got WAY more problems than you alone can handle or fix. As you've heard, you can't make someone love you and you can't make someone get better. You tried to create a good environment (that's what I've done with my wife) and she rejected it (probably because she was afraid that it was "too good to be true" or something similar). She may think that you will be better off without her and the only way she could leave without you talking her into staying is by running far away and yelling at you and making it seem as if she hates you. She may even have convinced herself that she does hate you. Whichever the case, you really are lucky that you didn't have a baby with this lady in the state she's in and her history.

Good luck with everything. This is tough, but you also need to consider your own well being and that of your kids (they could have been really badly affected if you had a baby with her and then divorced or she ran off with their sibling). I have a friend who had three daughters (twins and another one) and got married to a lady that has mental problems (bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, etc.). He thought that he could fix things by getting married. Less than two years later, they have a 1 year old daughter together, she's moved out, and his kids from before are CRUSHED because they got attached to his new wife and especially the baby. They hate that they don't get to see the baby much and that his wife seems not to care about them anymore because they don't see her and only hear about how she calls their dad names, etc. It's a rough situation and one that you may have just (luckily) dodged.

Posted 6/21/2007 3:54 PM (GMT -6)
Hi there AK,
I cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling since I have never been married, nor do I have children. I think you have to accept that there is a limit to the amount that you can do personally. If you try and push yourself, you put yourself at risk from exhaustion if nothing else. People have to want help for the help to be effective. Think of a smoker going cold turkey when they dont really want to give up... they are more likely to give in and have a cigarette than someone who is motivated to change. All I can suggest is that you support her in the best way that you know how. Perhaps a break is just what the doctor ordered. Some time away for her to clear her head. Im just thinking out loud now.
I will help in any way I can.
Warmest Wishes
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
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Posted 6/21/2007 11:50 PM (GMT -6)
Update: I was notified today that my wife is/has filed for bankruptcy!!! I'm really not sure what she could possibly owe outside of school loans, as she has not held a job for over four years and I was the breadwinner. I have a feeling that I should be over on the BP thread, but to be very honest... I see that I, too, may suffer from depression in some manner. I have made an appointment to have a full evaluation. I am thanking God every other hour that she made the choice she did to leave... the hour I'm not, I am missing her (but that hour gets shorter all the time). My therapist feels that I have been going through the grieving process in good fashion... but it sure doesn't feel that way to me. My relationship with my children sure has gotten better. I was stunned to hear of the treatment that they would receive when I was not present... no wonder I had to twist arms to get them to come over.
Posted 6/22/2007 12:08 AM (GMT -6)
Crap. You should speak to an attorney and find out what your options are. You may be able to get an annulment considering you've only been married 3 months (I think that is what you said). Otherwise, she may take your credit down with her.

My ex filed for BK a year after we divorced and after looking at all of my options with an attorney, the best option was to file myself (something I didn't want to do). Of course, we had been together for a long time and there was a lot there. Basically, everything she took debt-wise in the divorce immediately went back on me, so I had to file.

Posted 6/22/2007 6:41 AM (GMT -6)
Sounds to me like she may have alot of hidden items in her Singer said I would contact an attorney right away. You don't want her to try to take you down with her.

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

Posted 6/22/2007 1:24 PM (GMT -6)
Shy and Singer have given some great advice that I want to echo. You need to look at all your options carefully before making any firm decisions and a solicitor is the best person to give you the advice.
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
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Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
Help support the forums so we can support you:

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