Well havn't had that good a weekend. On Friday my boyfriend and I decided to go to the pictures, something we havn't done since I started feeling cr*p!! Anyway all was well and we settled down to watch the movie, when 7 kids came in (3 boys & 4 girls) well anyway they wouldn't shut up, talking constantly, giggling, sarcastic comments everytime someone in the film spoke and playing about with their phones. I was absolutely raging, and yes I know that everyone says that this is a normal reaction but I couldn't handle the situation at all. I was on edge I got up to leave and my bf persuaded me to sit back down, I couldn't concentrate on the movie and in the end I was so adgitated I burst into tears due to how I was. The normal way I would have handled it was to have stayed calm, fair enough have been angry and went and told the usher. Eventually someone else complained, an usher came and sat near us my bf complained, and they got told to keep the volume down and phones off or they were out. I wasted £23 on a film and drinks and food I never even touched! We then went to the bowling and I couldn't settle there either, I was cranky and adgitated still, so we went home, I sat in the car and cried the whole way home!!..
Then last night my bf, my step-dad and I went down to our local bar to watch a band play. I was fine until about ten minutes before I started crying (don't ask why cos even I don't know!!) Anyway we left and I walked home in tears (fair enough yes I had had a drink, and I know everyone says not to but I honestly had had 3 if that!) I got in and sat in the bath room in hysterical tears, my brother came in and sked how I was and I cuddled him so tight and told him all I'd ever did was try to look after him and keep him safe, you see as a child I grew up with my Dad beating the living daylights out of my Mum, he started hitting me too, then he threw us out in the street with a bag of clothes each and no money or nowhere to stay, I was 10 my brother was 7. I had to look after my brother to shelter him from this as much as I could. Anyway my Father died when I was 13, and my Mum as a result of the abuse, tends to drink too much, which worries the hell out of me everyday, if I lost my Mum I honestly do not know what I'd do. Anyway all this came out last night, I told her how worried I was, I spoke of times when he hit her that she couldn't even remember, I left my step father sitting open-mouthed in shock of some of the things I could remember and some of the things my Dad did to us, and my brother in tears.
I spoke about a lot of things which were bothering me last night, and a lot of things I didn't even know conciously were bothering me. I explained to everyone that they all think I'm better but really I'm walking about everyday with all this inside my head, but I'm strong enough to keep it all in and not let the mask slip. The minute I get a drink in me though it does slip and everything floods out.
I mentioned how my councillor told me everything about my Mums problems not mine and to let her deal with them, do you know how much that hurt??
Also everyone has eventually realised that my councillor isn't helping and I need a new one, my mum and step father are going to the drs tomorrow to speak to him about it. I know you may all think I'm a big baby having to get my parents to help me at 18 years old, but I do not know how to handle my life at the moment, I'm not living my life just now, I don't know what I'm living to be honest.
Anyway just thought I'd let you know, as I'm feeling a bit better today with it all being out in the open,
Best wishes to you all. xx
** Don't Compare Your Insides With Everyone Elses Outsides **