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Issues with wife, stress, pain... egads

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Posted 6/24/2007 1:57 PM (GMT -7)
I am having a dreadful day .... too much to do, my arthritis pain is high but dont really feel like taking a big whopping pain pill, but may have to break down and do it anyway

my wife is so impatient with my issues....depression and pain. I dont think she will even acknowledge the depression issue.... as long as I am serving her needs all is okay.  She is obsessed with her job and works it constantly, especially from home... always on the computer or at her work table or on the phone, anywhere but present in our family and in the home. she goes from zero to ***** in a second flat over just about anything. She is disorganized, our environment cluttered... she often loses important papers and goes into a rage claiming that one of us moved it or threw it away... its just simply in one of her numerous piles of clutter

Our kids have not felt so serving today, so she has done nothing but scream at them all day, I am a nervous wreck, I am tring to keep peace.. she has left for a few hours to go do something

so I thought I would take a minute to check in and spew some of this out. I am in the middle of half a dozen  projects and needed to sit for a few to let the pain ease up.  I feel like a whiney little Mr. Mom but I just cannot stand the screaming, the impatience, the clutter and filth.... and I wont even get started on her family and how they treat our home like a flophouse.

So I am angry, depressed, shakey, hungry, walking on eggshells, nervous and so compelled to protect my children and try to keep some sort peace and normalicy in our home like. Thats where I'm today......... not a better day.

Posted 6/24/2007 3:11 PM (GMT -7)
to asking,
I'm also a new member, and have fibromyalgia and depression. I was widowed last year, and am young middle age with no children. I just want you to know that someone saw your post and feels your pain, hope things get better. I can't really do anything for you, but I will read your posts. denali
Posted 6/25/2007 3:29 AM (GMT -7)
Asking'
Welcome to HW

I think my friend that no matter how much you love this woman it will constantly be this way UNLESS you set some groundrules /put it in letter form and set it on her desk where SHE will find it ya know or email it to her ......

CHILDREN are not Slaves nor or your partners in life and she need s to get a good grip on this before it becomes to the point of you packing up them kids and moving out just for a bit to just throw a scare into her ''She is not seeing anything but HER needs and wants and to you n kids THAT is not right fair or being a mom in my opinion

I dont want you to think I am way over judging her her but this HAS to stop especially with all you go thru in the depession ya know
If you need to talk my email is under name give me a shout ........Name is lyn.

Feeling your frustration my friend and I am so sorry

God bless
LYN
Posted 6/25/2007 3:49 AM (GMT -7)
Hi Asking
I too wanted to welcome you to the forum,and I hope you will find the support that you are looking for

I agree with Lyn,you or the kids are not slaves.

It almost sounds like emotional abuse to me,and I wonder if your wife even realizes that?
If not it might be time to bring it to her attention.

If you don't want to do it face to face,you could research it on the net and simply print it out and put a couple articles on her desk. Find something that talks about the signs of emotional abuse and what it does to the person it is happening to.She might be so caught up in her job that she does not see what she is doing.

I really hope for your case and your kids that she wakes up.

Please keep us posted and stay strong!

Shy
Posted 6/25/2007 7:33 AM (GMT -7)
Thank you everyone... (lyn I will email you from work, private email) ... emotional abuse is right, I kinda knew that... you know these issues have not gone without confrontation before, I HAVE gotten straight up in her face and told her how awful and innappriate her behavior is, and very temporarily it stopped - so I know she realizes it is not right.... She has her own issues... the biggest of all being rage and OMG you guys I could tell you some stories...

I really like the idea of printing some articles on emotional abuse, I did this a long time ago and she kind of dismissed it, or I doubt she even read the papers, but I can leave them laying on her desk like you said.... I will do that today... I know she can have glimpses of rationality and you all are right, I should try harder to point the behavior out to her, maybe the words havent been just right yet but I am sure they are out there.... gotta get to work.... thanks again everyone, I REALLY appreciate the support and I REALLY need it, SO VERY GRATEFUL to have found this site!!!!
Posted 6/25/2007 1:36 PM (GMT -7)
Asking:

this is kind of a joke, but not really. Ask your wife, "do I have to break a leg before you realize that I am really hurting? Just because I am not wearing a cast doesn't mean the pain I feel isn't real"


Also to offer a little bit of insight (this is based on what you shared, I could be completely wrong) but your wife reminds me of my mother. "If you keep busy enough and run around enough, you won't have to think about what's happening in your family/life/head etc." or the other old favorite "just don't think about it then". Run around like a chicken with your head cut off and you won't have to face ANYTHING. Cause you are busy running around.

Mean while you are facing reality square in the eye

Asking said :<<I feel like a whiney little Mr. Mom but I just cannot stand the screaming, the impatience, the clutter and filth..>>>

You are NOT whiney! Everyone has to vent! And you are dealing with a lot!

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time :)
Posted 6/25/2007 2:39 PM (GMT -7)
Thank you Goddess!! There is a little history behind the pain, I have severe osteoarthritis - I have already had one hip replaced- the years or so before the surgery, I was a wreck, hobbled around on a cane, still worked 2 jobs (they were very accomodating) because I had to for $$$ and I cried and complained alot about the pain, I was supposd to have the second surgery on the other hip about 2 months after the first, but I was feeling so good at that point that I procrastinated about it, and in the meantime I lost my insurance.

So one of the things she said to me at that point was something like, "I just cant stand the thought of going through all your drama again" meaning, I guess, my complaints, the cane, all the appointments etc. So I kind of vowed to myself to not be overly vocal about the pain and issues with walking etc. BUT, its all getting much worse again - I am going to have to figure out how to have the surgery, which I know how to apply for aid and all that, but then I cannot work for like 2 months. I was very prepared the first surgery, I had saved money, sick time, had a plan in place. BUT our financial situation is much worse now, more debt, more responsibility, just more of everything and I cannot seem to see through it all how to orchestrate - Its like I feel I have to figure out everones's lives while I am out of commision and my wife is complety wrapped up in her own stuff and I know will be nothing but inconvienced (enraged?) by my "drama" .....

So, I can read my own disfunction here.... its time to just take care of myself .... okay but what about our children, do I trust her to figure it all out if I cannot work? I do not. I am sorry to say, I do not trust her to treat our children with the love, patience and kindness they deserve, I just do not know what to do. .... and that is one of the things that makes me feel so desperately hopeless and lost..... I just do not know what to do.

Thank you for reading my DRAMA.... ha. Thank you for being here.
Posted 6/25/2007 2:40 PM (GMT -7)
Is it possible to get your wife into couples counseling so an outside, objective person can give her some insight into all these problems? It is unfair to you and your children for her to behave this way. I wish I could think of something more to tell you but please know that others care and wish you only the best. Maybe if your wife can understand your pain and what you are going thru she will be more responsive. Good luck and keep posting - venting your feelings often helps.
Posted 6/26/2007 2:59 PM (GMT -7)
Hey asking

hope you are having a better day...and hope to see you around soon to hear if things have improved at all.

:)
Posted 6/26/2007 3:23 PM (GMT -7)
Hi Goddess and everyone.... actually, I am having a better day in regards to my wife, this morning went well - the day has been drama free so far, I have not been home though - this is one of the days when I work both jobs, so in about an hour I will go straight to the next job, which is easy and pleasant, (will be alone after a few hours, get to go on computer and just be quiet) and I wont get home until about 10:00pm - I will talk to my kids on the phone inbetween too, but I think the day is going well for them too - I'm grateful for some peace and "normal" days - sometimes I hate weekends, that seems to be when the hardest days happen -

Thank you everyone for being here! I is sooooo good to have someplace to go be understood!!!!!!!!
Posted 6/26/2007 4:03 PM (GMT -7)
That is great asking,I hope it keeps up!



Shy
Posted 6/27/2007 12:57 AM (GMT -7)

Thats wonderful news Asking. It must be nice to get the "normal" days as a kind of break.

Best Wishes

Darren

Posted 6/27/2007 4:48 AM (GMT -7)
Hi my friend
Got your emails and I sent one yesterday and one this am
Please do add me to msn or yahoo if you would like

I am glad I am not the only one that sees the emotional abuse you are going thru

I am glad you had a good day yesterday

I will check emails when I get back from taking dad to market

Luvs
Your friend
LYN
Posted 6/27/2007 4:36 PM (GMT -7)
redface  Okay so I just get a call from my wife (remember we dont have insurance) "I just got back from the dentist, I need $3,000. worth of dental surgery and other stuff.... I went online and got $2,000. worth of credit .... what do I do?" Her tone is demanding and harsh.

I told her I didnt know, and when I hung up I had the stark realization that it just didnt matter what she does. I cannot save her or figure it all out for her or pluck money off of a tree. I can no longer allow myself to be pulled apart and sucked dry by her insensitvity, the unreasonable demands, constant trauma and drama, unsupportive and her just plain Wacko-Wanda behavior.

I am sorry she is having dental issues, but she is an adult, and needs to do the same thing that any other adult needs to do and just figure it out.... I can only muster up about half an ounce of sympathy for the mouth that screams at me all the time - as far as I am concerned she is reaping what she has sown.

So I am feeling a little freedom right now - What really matters to me is going fine - my kids are healthy and active and loving, I have 2 jobs that I really like and healthy friendships therin, I will  find a way to manage my pain and have surgery, and truthfully, I am just irresponsible enough to not really care if the credit bills get ever get paid or not.... I really dont care, I am fine with the necessary essentials. So my dear wife can just charge it up and thats okay.... time to let it go.

So this was a great realization - I have to make my health, both physical and mental, a priority and I am feeling ready to take some small steps towards healing myself, maybe the relationship if it works out and definately work on healing these physical issues....

wish me luck

thank you for being here................

 

Posted 6/27/2007 5:38 PM (GMT -7)
Hey asking,

Sorry to hear about your situation. i too welcome you to HW (even though I've only been on for a bit longer than you!). Regarding your last post, it is nice sometimes to let go of some of the crap, huh? It by no means you aren't a responsible person. I do understand what you're feeling right now. I'm having some trouble with my wife (TOTALLY different things) and there have been a few days where I just say, "You know what? She's going to do what she's going to do and I just don't care today." It's freeing and healthy to give yourself a break from the stress and taking on ALL of the responsibility sometimes. It's great that you can still find some ways to create peace all on your own rather than the peace only coming from your wife (which doesn't sound like it happens all that often).

You've come to the right place for support and understanding (another good sign!). Everyone here is very supportive and there is a lot of great ideas and suggestions that come from experience. This site is proof that the Internet isn't just good for ****ography! ;-)

Good luck and I'll keep checking this post for updates. Feel free to Email me anytime as well.

Rick...
Posted 6/28/2007 1:12 AM (GMT -7)
Hi Asking,

It sounds like your'e stuck between a rock and a hard place and I am sorry that I cannot help you more than just simple advice. This may prove to be an unpopular piece of advice with others but this is the way I see things and I have seen it work. There is only a finite amount that you can do for your wife and if this isnt enough then perhaps it is time to consider going your separate ways. If this is tearing you up as much as you said in your last post on a regular basis, then you risk becoming ill yourself and then you wont be in a position to help support your wife anyway since you risk not being able to work. Its not just your mental health you risk, it is your physical health as well. My mum always used to say "Look after number 1 (Yourself). Because if you dont, you can't look after anyone else!"

I dont want you to get down-heartened by what I have said but I feel some real honest advice is whats called for. As Rick said, your not an irresponsible person.

Keep us posted and remember we are all here for you.

Darren

Posted 6/28/2007 5:21 AM (GMT -7)
Asking
Everyone has given excellent advice here...I just wanted to say that I agree with all of them and with you. You have to look out for yourself and she needs to get it together.
Posted 6/28/2007 7:31 AM (GMT -7)
You know I have thought a million times about seperating from her, but everytime I ponder this I become sick at the idea of seperating myself from my children. They are all I know of what love is, and as awful as life can be at times with my wife, life away from my childres would be much worse.... I seriously doubt i could function at all without them. They are my strength and my reason for keeping on. I know that "custody" and "visitation" could be ironed out in court but I cannot do that to them, cannot, will not - there has to be a better way............... The family unit has to be healed here.... the emotional abuse has to be healed, this is my confirmation that I have to take aggressive steps towards this healing.

So I will continue to try to keep peace and look for ways to make this better - and as depressed and exhausted as I feel sometimes, I have to keep trying. I have found a lot of strength here and some great advice.... so help me to keep on ....................
Posted 6/28/2007 11:12 AM (GMT -7)
Hey asking,

I know what you mean about the kids. I feel the same way (I have five). A friend of mine has been going through a tough time with his new wife and at one point brought her to the emergency room because of her bi-polar and borderline personality disorder. She was talking about ending things and such (no direct threats, but she was saying things that caused concern). When he took her in, they spoke to a counselor together and then she asked my friend's wife to leave the room. The counselor told my friend that marital therapy isn't what they needed. His wife had problems and she had to work on them before they could work on the marriage together.

Your postings have reminded me of what that counselor said. Hopefully you can - at some point - get through to your wife that things need to change with both of you before things can be better for everyone in the family. If she would ever be willing to deal with her part in all of this, you may just end up having a better marriage.

Rick...
Posted 6/28/2007 4:43 PM (GMT -7)
Hello Asking,

This is Kitt, I want to welcome you and to tell you that you are not alone.

I am glad to see your taking some positive steps in healing yourself.

I promise to post more later as I went through a not so pleasant divorce but had I not, I might have gone down hill into the pits. I was 22 years old with 3 little ones.

I know how you feel looking at any decision re seperation.
Posted 7/2/2007 10:01 AM (GMT -7)
Hi Everone - Its Monday, the weekend was tedious but I survived. It all seems like its in my face on the weekends, I really appreciate the refuge of work, my quiet office, my computer.... the weekend was littered with little issues, little quarells all leaving me really tired today even though I got a lot of sleep Fri and Sat night but almost none last night... it all just swirled around in my head... I wanted to come here all weekend, but this has to be my refuge as well, cannot risk letting my wife see this, she wouldnt read it with sympathy, thats for sure.

So Whats up everyone? I sent a few emails, I guess everyones busy.... I hope we ALL have a good week......
Posted 7/2/2007 11:13 AM (GMT -7)
I went away for the weekend visiting family...Had a rotten time as I was ill all weekend and I still am now. Hoping to go back to work on wednesday. What I thought was a dodgy sarnie in the canteen has turned into something more sinister. Other than that, I guess im ok... thanks for asking. Hope you all had a better weekend than I did!
Posted 7/2/2007 3:56 PM (GMT -7)
 

Asking

Hoping always that you are able to heal the emotional abuse ........
You know I am here for you if you want to talk my friend

Luvs
Lyn

Posted 7/2/2007 4:16 PM (GMT -7)
Lyn - I sent you some emails, did you get them? I am afraid I am having email issues from work.... lemmee know.....
Posted 7/3/2007 10:34 AM (GMT -7)
Will check now my friend have been kinda hybernating like a bleeding bear been so sick

Be well k
Let you know asap

Luvs
LYN
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