There are often times when I too feel completely alone and crazy, especially when people try to tell me that I don't HAVE to be like this and it's all in my head. It makes me feel weak and worthless. All I want is to be normal and be able to go out and have fun and make friends and not want to hurt myself for no good reason. I think one of the most important things to remember is that we're NOT alone. Even though I hate the fact that other people are suffering just the same, there's something comforting in knowing that at least you have someone to relate to. And it's even more comforting to me knowing that there are so many people who survive, who overcame these dark feelings, people who were worse off than me and they managed to pull through, so that means that I can do it too.
One time, my dad told me that my therapist said to him that my problem was I didn't look at the big picture. I just focused on myself and what was going on right now in my life at that moment. And it's true. We get so impulsive that we're only thinking about
RIGHT NOW and how it hurts right now and you just want it to stop, but we don't think about
what will happen tomorrow, next month, next year. If I ended it all when I wanted to, I wouldn't have done a lot of the stupid things I've done, but I also wouldn't have experienced all the good things either. And the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is making myself think about
the future and imagining it being happy, with me having two beautiful kids and a husband and a dog and a happy life. And whether or not things will actually turn out that way I don't know, but it's nice to think about
, and I'll never know unless I actually make it there. And I'm sure you want to see your kids graduate and get married and have your grandbabies and all that fun stuff. They need you more than anyone.
I do agree we all have choices, but I know just as well as you that sometimes actually making the 'right' choice is almost impossible. My boyfriend tried to tell me the same thing once. That I didn't have any friends because I didn't try, that I didn't WANT to. Right, like I actually want to sit around by myself wishing I had a female friend to watch girly movies with, because wishing about
it is more fun than actually doing it. Come on. It seems easy to everyone else but for someone with social anxiety, it's the hardest thing in the world. Just like for someon with severe depression, sometimes just getting out of bed and even faking happiness is impossible, no matter how bad we want it. "Fake it till you make it" just doesn't cut it here unfortunately.
I honestly hope you can find something to help you. What you said about
feeling like you're being torn apart I can completely relate with. There are days when I'm just sitting here staring at the wall and I feel like a big useless bag of sand, like I have things to do at work, things I want to get finished but I can't get any momentum built up to actually do anything other than sit here and feel mopey. The Lexapro has really seemed to help with that and while I know it's just an "artificial" feeling, it's better than how I felt before. I mean, I'm not running around dancing in the streets, but I'm not wanting to jump out in front of the cars either.
Hang in there. Don't forget we're all here if you need someone to talk to, sometimes even a temporary distraction such as that can help at least for the time being. Things will get better.