Posted 7/5/2007 2:06 AM (GMT -7)
What do I do now??
After my trip to the docs basically, he said he can't change my councillor, I have to go back and see my current one and tell her everything that happened that Saturday when everything came spilling out and then my councillor will assess whether I need to go to hospital to see a new councillor or someone more 'above' her.
Thing is I don't want to speak to this councillor. I don't feel comfortable and I have been seeing her since Feb and I don't feel a bit better, maybe worse.
I was on such a high a couple of weeks ago I felt great about everything, and this week I feel so low again. My mood differs from high to low, this can happen day by day or hour by hour!
I today have worked out something, regarding my relationship. The week I felt great I thought my boyfriend was being fantastic, totally different from normal and I felt great. Infact he was being no different from what he normally was, but because I felt better, I thought he was being better.
I learned that maybe he is lovely and great all the time, but due to me feeling how I am I don't see this all the time, but when I feel better about myself, I appreciate him.
If that didn't make sense sorry but it did in my head, I am close to tears today as I am feeling rubbish again, teary and down. I care so much for him I feel that really strongly but I dunno I could just sleep my life away at th moment. I'm having trouble sleeping at nights, really nervy and edgy, I worry of the most stupid of things, and I think everyone hates me and is against me, its totally strange as in front of my close friends I am sometimes the most outspoken confident person ever, then others I just want to cower away and I feel they all hate me.
At this precise moment in time, I do not have a clue what the hell is going on in my life or who I've become. I feel I should be locked away from everyone. I feel crazy. I sit and watch my life rush by me, but I am not living it. I have lost nearly a year of my life to this.
I honestly hate it, i feel like a zombie, I feel no purpose in life, I think 'what am I waiting on' as I constantly feel I am waiting on something, for it all to return back to normal.
I am so so sorry if all of this is a babble and doesn't make sense, but its all rushing about my head and putting it out into words lets it out a bit.
If anyone can relate to any of this due to their own experiences please let me know. I feel mental!!
A very sad and tired, Katie :(
** Don't Compare Your Insides With Everyone Elses Outsides **