It is very early Saturday morning and I have yet to sleep. My sleeping pill dosage is up to 4 now instead of 1. Dont worry it is not what you are thinking, it is just that I am so sad that sleep is truly the only thing that brings me peace and even that is hard to get.
I havent posted for a couple days because of things that I cant discuss on here, I will say that I have never in my life ever been so low. The feeling that I have of utter never ending heartache is more than I can take on days and I do have extremely negative thoughts.
For once in my life I feel truly alone in this world and that is one of the most devasting feelings in this world to know that when it comes down to really needing someone at a time when you are desperate and doubting all your will that there is NOone there. Like I said this is the first time in my life that I have ever felt like I am alone and I will tell you, I am so scared! I dont feel protected or cared for and I am afraid that I am developing a numb hard exterior in order to take care of my heart, head, body and soul. I told someone the other day that the only emotion I really have now is the ability to cry and feel pain. I dont know if I could feel happiness or pleasure and to be honest with you I havent truly felt any happiness in over two weeks.
I am not going to ramble on but I was sitting here trying to preoccupy myself with things so I could go to sleep and I thought of our forum.
Tomorrow my daughter and I will probably celebrate her 14th birthday. I am not sure what we will do but I try to get out of the house as much as I can. It is really hard to go anywhere without the thought of memories all around me.
I am extremely sad and hopeless with every aspect in my life and my spots of happiness have disappeared that I so enjoyed and depended on to keep the faith for yet another day. What do I do now? There is no happiness in my life and I am so terribly lonely without my WIP.
Just say some prayers for me and if there are days when I dont post, dont worry, I am grieving or crying but I will get through it, I seem to be able to do that because of my promises that I will forever stand behind. Making these promises is the only way I get through this "hell" on earth ad I just hope on day that someone really sees that I meant every word I said until then I guess I will continue to pray for better dayz but for once in my life I wonder if they will ever be the dayz that I pray for.