I havn't been on for a while because frankly I've felt good, not great, not better, not katie, but good.
When I say good I mean I felt good cos I felt great about my boyfriend, with him and about him. It felt so good and I appreciated and felt so strongly towards him.
But I felt really insecure about everything else. My friends etc. Thinking none of them wanted to know me etc. Feeling everyone hated me and feeling hatred towards everyone.
Feeling really anxious and weird, taking everything to heart, feeling sorry for everyone and everything. Always expecting bad things to happen.
Now the tables have turned. I feel weird towards and about my boyfriend again. I feel soo horrible about feeling like this if that makes sense. Ya know when you don't want something you feel together and are like that is my decision. Well the way I feel about him is that something in me is feeling this way about him and I'm standing in the background going what the hell are you doing?? Why are you feeling like this I don't want to. But somethings holding me back not letting me be me and be happy. This is the problem. I don't know what that 'something' is. I don't want to even kiss him though its that bad, but its not him I don't want to kiss, I don't want to kiss anyone. If it makes sense its like i don't have the physical or mental enegery to be affectionate past a cuddle. I do every day still tell him i love him. I feel so bad for feeling this way.I think the world of my boyfriend. He treats me like a princess and has stuck by me through all of this. I always think in my head. if we do split up I still want to be really close to him etc. and I truely would. he is the best thing that happened to me, and I totally do not understand why this has happened to me and why i feel like this especially towards him.
I feel fine about my friends again, well to be bluntly honest I don't give a stuff about them, I'm not worried if they hate me or anything and I couldn't care if i never saw them again. Again..not the 'real' me.
Life is not life anymore. I see no purpose in it. I can't live it how I'd like to, so what is the point in living it atall?
Its like a bad dream. it shoots by with me trying to grasp some form of reality. I still feel like I am waiting for something to happen.
The doctors and councillors are useless, 8 months and no change in me. They aren't bothered about me. They don't contact me. What am I meant to do?
Why can't I be me a happy outgoing me again? Instead as I said before, its always one thing or another. I hate being me.