And I really shouldn't be, I'm getting married next month, everythings organised. While that does cheer me up, and I am excited about it so so much. I can't help this feeling of despair inside me.
It's REALLY getting Paul down, as he thinks it's something he's done, but I can't explian to him that it's not.
While I was in hospital, someone was talking to me, and opened the door to where my bad thoughts go.
They're the thoughts I can't forget about, and can never get rid of. They usualy stay nice and dorment, but it's lke a bomb has gone off in my head.
I got really realydown about it for about 5 minutes. Then shoved on this realy happy bouncy front. Then broke down again. I still couldn't explain anything to my psychiatrist. So then wrote her a letter. Explaining EVERYTHING I was feeling and thinking of. There was a lot that I hadn't told her. But she now knows everything in my past.
The trouble is, I just ca't shake this feeling of worthlessness. My psychiatrist tryed to help me in the first week, but then we ran out of time, because she was going on annual leave.
I ust feel like a lost lttle puppy.
I'd actually got the majority of it all under control, until yesterday. My speaking to my brick-wall esk neurologist, and getting angry a him, has set me off again.
I keep getting short bursts of anger and hatred, and end up shaking, and agitated. During these times I go for a walk to tire myself out, but then i get back, and I'm just in absolute agony and weak (I somehow ALWAYS forget to take my crutches on these walks)
I feel deflated.
My Dad came to see me last week, I didn't really want to, but having not seen him for 5 years. I decided I'd try to get over my fear of him, and let bad memories rest.
I couldn't stand having him near me though, or touching me, I spent most of the visit shaking, and feeling incredibly sick, even though id had odansatron antisickness tablets about an hour before meeting him.
I seriously just can't forgive or forget what he did to me, but at the same time, I just want one of my parents to comfort me and tell me everythings alright.
My mum sent me a text the day before meeting with my dad. Saying how my brother never moans even though he has CF too, he can hold down a job, and still go out.
How it's so stressful doing the job she's always dreamed of doing, and how booking a holiday is such hard work.
How I should just get a hobby and everything will be ok. And I should go for more walks.
What's most annoying me about this, is that I want to respond so so bad, but have to wait till after wedding. Otherwise I will have no parents there, and my baby 12 year old sister will not be allowed to come.
I just want to respond pointing out:
Yes, ok Nick don't moan about his CF. But Nick doesn't need physio twice a day, he doesn't need his nebuliser. He only needs IV's one a year at the minimum. Mine are 3 monthly. The last gap was only 2 months.
Nick doesn't need to come into hospital to do IV's he choses too.
Nick doesn't have a neurological disorder, that bans him from excercise, until they get thereselves in gear and get a diagnosis.
I haven't had a holiday in over a year efore that the gap was 3 years, yet your moaning because your boking your 3rd holiday this year.
Hobbies: I have the internet for starters. I read a book a day. I'm currently doing a cross-stitch, I pant warhammer figures. I follow wresling as closely as I can.
She knows I do all this. She knows the problem I have is that I hurt a lot. She knows I can't have any trust in doctor's because they've gone without believing me or so long, I have to question everything they say, to make sure they actually have brains this time.
She also said in another text, i am hard work for the doctors and moan too much, which s why they don't listen to me. But what else can i do. If i don't question them, and get 100% straight answers. I sit worrying they have it wrong again.
So many little things, but thy al push together, and it's really getting on top of me. As I say, while i am excited about the wedding, all ths stuff is really pushing down on me hard.
I'm on Mirtazapine 30mg again now, which does make my general mood brighter, and I feel happier, but there's just so much on top of me, Not even mirtazapine can hold it al up for me (Mirtazapine is usualy my superman. It supersizes my appetite, which is normally nil and sends me to sleep.)
They want to add sertraline in, too give me a bit more of a boost. But because of the hospital taking years to diagnose me. They don't want to throw in anymore pills and potions just yet, while ive managed to get everything else just right.
I just feel like screaming and screaming and screaming some more. But right at the minute, I can't even cry, and just don't feel like making any noise. I just want to crawl into a hole, and hibernate til everything feels safe again.
I'm sorry for such huge long post. I know others must be feling worse than me, bu I really needed to rant.
Hugs to all, and hope noones feeling as confused as me right now
Co-moderator in the: Cystic Fibrosis Forums
Woe to the child which when kissed on the forehead tastes salty. She is bewitched and soon must die.
Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Tobi nebuliser, Serevent, Salbutamol, Sertraline, Odansetron, Nefopam, Ciprofloxacin, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Omeprazole.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since 11th Nov 05