Posted 7/20/2007 8:46 PM (GMT -6)
It is Friday evening and another weekend is here. I have gotten to the point where I am so numb to these awful days that all I feel is numb and aching. It actually feels like I am becoming so numb that I cant feel anything but numbness.
My depression has taken everything I loved and is actually taking a backseat to the pain I am feeling lately.
I guess I am just so regretful about so many things that have happened in my life that I wonder what to do next. I cry all the time and one of the most important people in my life is trying so hard to "not love" me. What I mean by that is that he is unable to let go of me because of the love he has. I have destroyed him by lying to him and taking away from what we had. He knows that I am sorry and he has forgiven me but he says that he cant get over the feelings of what keeps him from me. What can I say, I really do know that my depression was the worst thing that he could go through and although he doesnt want to believe it, my actions and behavior did have something to do with my depression. I was also diagnosed with Axis II disorder many years ago and in researching that personality disorder, I found it very relevant to what my actions were. Oh my gosh, did I ever discuss with him the depth of what I have done and why? Would it change anything? All I know is that my faith and hope are also becoming a numbness and the things that are happening in my life are both the reason Im alive and killing me all at the same time.
How can I make him understand that I would do whatever I could for him to know that things have changed and that I want to get back what I ruined? I have vowed that my depression will not control me and my relationships with the ones I love but how can you not feel depressed when you want so much to have the things in life that you cant have?
I am truly devasted by the thought of not having the things in my life that are most important to me. The glimmer of hope is starting to fade and I am realizing that I may never be whole again.
I am so sad right now that I could scream. I hang on too everything that I know is true to my heart, I never thought that I could ever hurt like this, seriously, the pain that is in my heart is only relieved by the moments that I share without depression, sadness or anxiety!
I dont want to live like this, why cant it be different? WHY?? What can I do what can i say?
I am so lost, depressed and sad!!!
I wonder to myself if God really is there, I know I believe in him and I should not say that but I just really struggle with things that I cant control, he gives us trials to make us better people, but when are trials too much, depression is bad enough!!
I was in a store today and came across a book. I was going to buy it but as usual I couldnt afford it. I stood there and read as much as I could get in before the kids came running over ready to leave. Reading this book, i stood there and thought for sure that it was truly about me! The book was called "My Beautiful Broken Shell" by Carol Hambler Adams, if you can get a chance to read it, you should, many of us can relate with it. It is a short book, almost like a gift book.
Well I go into this weekend in tears and depression, when can I have a weekend where I will be happy??
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."