I can't believe I'm actually posting on here. I've been reading different topics on healingwell but today I just feel like I need help and like I can't keep up with my life the way it is.
I'm 37 years old, married, have stepchildren ages 16 and 18, and 2 year old twins. My husband is really wonderful and a great source of support but it frustrates him when he can't help me feel better. I was diagnosed with clinical depression 14 years ago and have been on & off meds for that long. Currently taking Wellbutrin XL and lexapro and don't feel like they are working any more, but don't have the time/energy to get myself to a psychiatrist.
My biggest concerns are my twins... a boy named Kyle and girl named Taylor Grace. I had a healthy pregancy and they were born at 37 weeks... both weighed 6 1/2 pounds! Kyle was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis at 10 weeks of age. It was such a shock since we had no family history and didn't know we were CF carriers. We felt like we were just getting a handle on his diet and treatment and meds.... then Taylor was diagnosed with Bilateral Retinoblastoma when she was 9 months old (cancer in both eyes)
Our son sees a Dr. at a childrens hospital in Utah where we live. Our daughter gets treatment from a specialist in Los Angeles, CA. We initially were going every 3-4 weeks to Los Angeles.... It is now every 6 weeks. She responded well to chemo and it killed the tumors, and she still has both eyes even though probably no vision in her left eye. After 6 months of being cancer free, it came back. A series of 3 laser treatments will hopefully kill the new cancer cells... next week we go for the third laser.
On top of that, my older sister has stage IV colon cancer which spread to her liver. She had 12 rounds of chemo and her liver cancer responded well, but the colon cancer did not. Just found out she will be having surgery soon to remove a section of her colon then start chemo over again.
I can't stand all the sickness around me! I try so hard to be positive but it is emotionally draining. I want to cry but the antidepressants make me feel numb. I've tried going off the lexapro but then I get so emotional that I can't function. I have to function to be able to take care of my family and work full time, because having my own breakdown isn't an option.
I hate cancer. I have lost friends to cancer and it makes me so angry. Why my sister? I don't think she will survive this for an extended length of time. The prognosis is dim, and she is only 48 years old with so many years she should have ahead of her.
My children need a strong mother, a positive mother, and I strive to be those things. But when I have my days off with them, as soon as they go down for a nap I go to sleep. There are so many things I need to do but I just want to sleep. I want to take better care of myself but don't have the time or energy.
Because my husband and I both need to work (for the income as well as having the kids covered by two policies) we rarely have time together. We both work ten hour shifts... He is off for 3 days a week, I'm off for 3 days a week and we have a neighbor that babysits one day a week when we are both at work. Basically we see each other in the evenings when we are both exhausted and stressed out, and the kids are crying and we're trying to feed them and do Kyle's breathing treatments and medications and get them to bed.
What can I do? I love and want my children very much, but feel very trapped by their needs. I will do anything to help them live long, happy lives. I know Kyle will get sicker when he is older, and Taylor has a higher risk of getting other types of cancer as she gets older. People keep telling me that things will get better as they get older (especially out of the 2-3 year old range) but I don't know if it's true.
I feel guilty when I am overwhelmed because I know there are others with much worse problems. I see children in the hospitals that never leave and who die. I just need to be strong and face my problems as best I can. I just feel like I could be living my life better, and be happier, but I feel that I just can't do anymore than I am right now.