Hi Pale and Stayingafloat - thanks for your messages.
Well I did dump his stupid butt last week. I just couldn't take it anymore. It's hard and I feel lonely - and the PANIC, oh the panic! - but I realized I was more miserable being with him, or waiting for the next "fix". It was just too hard. It was all about him and his needs with no regard for mine; I was walking on eggshells around him, which is the worst thing for us depressed people to begin with - too much anxiety and worry about how they're going to react next.
I actually emailed a few friends today in fact, to let them know what's going on with me and to explain my behaviour, etc. YOu should never be embarrassed about it though. No one would judge you if you had a physical illness and no one should judge us because of our mental struggles either (even though I realize a stigma still exists).
What I said was, I have a real, legitimate illness/disease, just like diabetes or cancer, that is NOT my choice or my fault. It's not a matter of just snapping out of it. It goes so much deeper than that, and distorts everything in my life - my thoughts, my beliefs, perceptions, my behaviour. No one would deliberately choose this life if they knew how bloody horrific it was. I'm working hard at getting better and I hope my friends can understand my struggle.
I heard back from two friends who both thanked me for being open and honest. Neither of them has had any experience with depression, so they were both receptive to my explanation.
I've definitely had a lot of moments of withdrawing from friends/social situations. Lately I've been forcing myself to go out a bit, even though I'd rather hide in bed. What I'm finding is, I can go out for a little while, maybe have ONE social drink, but then call it a night early. I suggest you give that a try too? Don't force yourself to stay out all night long, but even if you go out for, say, 2 hours... there is something to be gained from it. But I know it's so hard - it seems like a lot of effort. Or even pick up the phone when a friend calls, ask them how their day was, or what's new with them, etc. Don't even talk about yourself. Feeling like you have been a good friend to someone is very uplifting for yourself. I have a tendency to moan and groan about my problems, but even I'm sick of hearing myself talk about it right now. It was a relief yesterday to talk to a friend and just listen to her problems for a change.
Anyway, this is where I'm at these days. I hope it helps someone else out there who is struggling with friendships. There's no shame in being honest about who you are and what your struggles are!
Post Edited (bluestorm) : 8/2/2007 2:31:00 PM (GMT-6)