Posted 7/27/2007 12:16 PM (GMT -6)

I understand how you feel - trult I do. At least you rang a helpline for help -I hope they did! I haven't the courage to ask for help. I just do as you said and wait for the days when my husband is off work and then he takes some of the flak. I can sleep too in the afternoon and recoup some of my lost energy. Screaming fits are common in my household - but usually between my husband and I. I am so sorry about your son - betraying your trust is a fundamental thing - you need to be able to trust him - he doesn't see that does he?

I'm tired and lost too - but maybe together we can work our way out of this. What help are you hoping to get for your son? Are the weekends easier because your husbands home?

Have a relaxing weekend - hugs xx

HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx

Posted 7/27/2007 12:56 PM (GMT -6)
Daughters seem to relate the their moms alot better. They understand

sons are so hard!!! I ran out of patience many many days believe me!

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

Posted 7/27/2007 1:17 PM (GMT -6)
sad  I have the patience of a tiny little bug i.e. NONE! One of my pet hates is the phrase 'Shut up!' i try never to use it with my kids - it means I've lost control. I have said it SO many times this week - it makes me cry just to think of their faces when they hear me say it.
I know I can do better but I just don't know how? My doctor told me today she will change me meds as they are not working - but she needs to refer with my Psychatrist for medication support - this won't happen till next week, and that means I'll have to come down off the one I'm on now and back onto a new med - and it takes 3-4 weeks for a new med to kick in with my system. Am so worried and lost sad sad
HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx

Posted 7/27/2007 7:16 PM (GMT -6)
sad  HSE~
I read your post just know and believe me i can feel every emotion that you are feeling.  I guess it is hard for people to understand how we could feel like we do about our children.  Depression is horrible enough but yes when you have to take care of children, it really destroys you on several levels.  I dont know if you can relate to these or not but these are some of the things i experience with my children.  I feel as if i have no life at all even though we are suppose to live for our children if we can just be blatently truthful here, i will go out on a limb to say that most of the time, i actually that i am trapped by being a mom and there are times when i wish i didnt have children, now i dont want to hear people say to me that this is awful and how could i feel like this but i do.  I can say that i sometimes feel "hatred" towards my "responsibilites".  These precious babies that are my life are also in my "depressed" life the reason i hate life.  Please anyone that is reading this, dont think that i am a bad person because i am not, i am just being truthful.  I love my children very much but I can relate with what HSE is saying.  I also feel as if my children are deprived of a "good" mother because I have no energy to be the kind of mom i think i should be.
I feel that my children miss out on so many things by having me as their mom.  I see moms playing in the park with their kids and envy their energy and ability to be someone i dont think i can ever be. 
If i could wish one thing for my children it would be this, I wish that they grow up healthy and that my depression has not made such a great impression that their future would be like mine. 
as a mom i want so much for my children as well as myself.  depression just takes it right out of you.
so sad it is, i feel so many emotions when i look at my children, i love them so much try every day to be better but i am always tired.
HSE, i can relate with you and there are so much more i could say but i think that you can see i can relate on some levels with you.
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."

Posted 7/29/2007 6:21 AM (GMT -6)
:-)  Thank-you so much faithfully4you - that's me to a tea!!!!! I love my kids but sometimes wish I didn't have kids.
I see mums playing in the park and I have no energy to play with them.
Everything you said was as if I had said it - thank-you.
these feelings make me feel guilty SO much of the time - guilt is a horrid feeling and one I experience far too much of!!
I want the best for my kids and I know that I am not the best - I am sometimes the worst mum in the world! I want to sleep and hide away from all these negative feelings. I just don't know how to!!!
HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx

Posted 8/5/2007 8:54 PM (GMT -6)
you are so welcome dear!!!  I know that there are many moms that maybe feel the same but wont speak the words i did.  Tough but true we as moms in my opinion have been cheated by depression and as usual does not allow us to function like "normal" moms.
You are more than welcome to email me anytime, I know what it is like to also lose a child because of my depression.  It has been over 8 years since my depression touched my children's lives and it continues to even today.
Please know that I understand that you are doing the best you can for your children and yourself-NEVER EVER DOUBT YOURSELF!!!
It is the heart which perceives God and not the reason. That is what faith is: God perceived by the heart, not by the reason.
(Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), French scientist, philosopher. Pensées (1670), no. 424, ed. Krailsheimer; no. 278, ed. Brunschvicg.)

Posted 8/10/2007 1:44 PM (GMT -6)

:-)   :-) faithfully4you - I so agree - we have been cheated by depression - I find each day a challenge - some days I can cope - some days I want to curl up and die!! That sounds harsh but I find some days unbearable - we have been to a farm park today (I live in the UK) and we did SO much and I am so tired but my husband has just said "You can do the baths tonight!" Well - he can do the ***** baths I'm telling you !!

After much discussion - he's doing them xxx

HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx

Posted 8/11/2007 7:35 PM (GMT -6)
how are you doing?  School is about to start and I know that you are syked about that!!  I know I am :)
There have been so many times I have thought of you over the past few weeks and wondered how you were handling things.  I hope the husband is helping you out a little more than he was.  Is he supportive of you and your care of depression?  I hope so because that is half the battle especially when you have children.
My son had a bout yesterday that has me concerned about him having depression.  I picked him up from his grandmother's house and he was joyous and happy as usual and sweating so bad from playing.  He has not spent alot of time with me this summer because of thing that have taken place in my home so he has stayed pretty much the summer with his dad, at least the most part of July and now the past couple months.  Anyway, he was in the car with me for about 20 minutes or so and he was exhausted, and he got so sad and whiney.  I know kids get like that when they finally stop after playing so hard but you as well as I know the difference.  Anyway, we went to the store to get a few things and he started complaining about his stomach and head hurting.  It got so bad that he wanted to lay down on the store floor.  At first I thought maybe appendics but then before he started feeling bad he was fine and laughing at another kid in the store.  Then he got will sad and started crying.  Once we got home he took a bath and was on the couch the rest of the evening.  These are the times that I think that my depression is not good for him, here I wasnt even showin signs of my depression outwardly and he was like this.  This is the hold this monster(depression) has on our kids.
Then people wonder why we doubt our ability to give our kids a good "functional" home.  I hope that this is not something that is starting to be a depression for him but it looks that way to me.
I hope that you are doing ok and i know that you will understand what I am saying.
Let me know.
 The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.

Posted 8/14/2007 7:14 AM (GMT -6)
:-)   :-) faithfully4you -- So lovely to hear from you!! I feel we are soul mates - going through the same things at the same time!! Our school term starts on September 3rd - still 2 1/2 weeks left yet!! (I live in England) xx
It's great when they are at school - I'm going to be working part-time from September - I'm a teacher - 5 years old. Such fun!! and such hard work !!
My husband does help out - he can be great at times but at other times I wish he could be in my head, feel the way I feel, then maybe he would understand xx
As for the incident with your son in the store - wow! How old is he? Has he shown any signs like this before? I feel it may just have been exhaustion from a busy day - and a change from being with his father and then being with you. Try not to worry about it please xx
One of my friends told me that kids are very resilient - they bounce back!! I do believe that to a certain extent - but how many bounces can they have before they crash??
I so get what you are saying about making a good home for our kids. We are - we are there for them!! I have had a troubled childhood, physical and mental abuse. I made the decision when I had kids that I would NEVER hit my children - I have kept that promise - I have never hit them (and never will) xx
See - we are doing some good -honestly we are!! You love your kids and so do I - even if some days we feel like screaming at them - most parents do!!
Let's hang on in there - you and me - we will survive this 'depression' - we will!!
Big hugs to you xx  Thanks for your lovely messages - they are really helping me xx
HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx

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