Greetings and Salutations to all..
I'm a newbie here thought I'd explain my background..for myself because it's totally theraputic and also to get any feedback as well as find people going through similar situations that might want a friend to chat it up with and find comfort in.
Below is a copy of what I have already posted as a response to Kiwi for his topic, "My wife is missing (temporarily I hope)". Since this last post, I have some updated info on my siuation and will add to this post with it.
I came across this forum a while back. Please know that what you are experiencing is not isolated and rare but something that I am finding to be quite a common display through the depressive state of mind.
Unfortunately, I must tell you that I am also going through a very similar situation as yours. It is not as extreme as yours, but something that is sooo extremely frustrating and makes me very, very sad. It pains me to go through it.
So let me give ya'll some background...
I am very much in love...fell in love with a someone that I have know for many years. Somehow the universe brought us together and the romance began..with a bang!
Now, let me tell ya'll something, if you ever have the rare opportunity to makes romantic sparks fly with a good, close and long term friend, by God, take that opportunity with all your might and hold on for as long as you can, cuz it the best ride to take! I have never felt such a bond with anyone else before; felt so connected and so comfortable and so strong!
Afew months back, I started noticing a bit of a change in our relationship; it was our communication that first raise a flag with me. Ya' see, my boyfriend and I talk everyday..sometimes for hours and sometimes just for a few minutes, but every day. We live in separate states and have a long distance relationship. Too long of a story to bore ya'll with but we both started this thing up with the intention to finally be together for a life long ride. Living in different states was a mere technicality and a wee bit of a challengfe, but worth it to get to where we both wanted to be in the end
BUT...I digress..now where was I? Oh yah...umm, well, shortly after we bagan our romance, I asked him about the meds he takes every day (I never knew before since we were just friends) and I tell'ya, it was like pulling teeth to get him to answer me on it. He finally told me that it was to keep him straight; balance him out. Ya' see, he has general depression and anxiety disorder. He is one of 3 out of 5 children that sufferes from the illness. His mother has it too. He started noticing something wasn't "right" inside when he was in his **** years. Like most, he self-medicated with a host of drugs, till later, he sought prescription medication, therapy and a psych doctor to do it the right way.
Speeding back ahead to the present, we were doing absolutely awesome, then within a matter of a week by week time period, I noticed he was distancing himself from me. I couldn't understand why since it was out of his character to do this. To follow was indecisiveness (spelling?), prolonged delays in responses when we would talk. He also started complaing of stomach problems and interrupted sleeping. Then one day while on the phone, he told me that he scheduled an appointment to see his doctor about his meds; he believed he may be "burning out" the meds. He told me this has happened to him before a few times and feels he now is starting to notice things happening to him.
Well, just as that happened, the tenant renting his house in the suburbs (he rents an apartment in the city), gave their notice to move out at the most inopportune time as he was not emotionally or financially prepared to deal with this situation. To me, what seemed to be a logical and quick choice in how to deal with the house, to him, was tramatic and something he had a really hard time in deciding to do with it.
Just about at the time he was hit with the med burn out and trying to ready the house to put it up on the market or rent it, he came under some serious heat at his job. So much so, that he didn't want to even discuss it.
Then on a Saturday, after a few days of not talking to me, he called me up. I could tell right away he wasn't himself. His tone of voice was very disconnected; as if everything he was saying to me was being read off a que card;no emotion at all. He said that he thinks we should break it off. We needed to do this to at least try and salvage the friendship we had because he could not be there for me as I need him to be. He told me that he is now in a full blown depressive state, one of the worst that he has went through. He went to his therapist, but still needed to go to his psych doctor for a change in his meds. He told me before that the wayu he deals with this is by withdrawing from friends and family. He finds a "place" that seems to help him get through this funk until it ends. It's a place noone else goes, just him.
Now..ya'll need to understand, this was the same man that told me only a few months before of how much he missed me and the only one thing he truly wanted, was for us to be together..in the same place, so we could have a normal relationship like everyone else. HE also told me that new techniques/research and treatments for depression assures him that he will be okay for the rest of his life and he'll never have to worry about running out of medication; that as a life with me can be very normal so long as he takes careof himself properly with his therapy and meds. NOW, here is the same man telling me that he doesn't know how long this depressive episode will last, how long until the meds take their proper affect and how he'll react to them. Now he didn't know if he could ever be capable of loving someone else and having a relationship.
This man was scared. BUT I told him that I wasn't going to walk away and wanting to break it off with me right then and there wasn't a good idea. "When we are both balanced and in a good mental place, and we gave it all we could, then AND only then, will I accept a break up". This is what my response was. I told him that I would support him however he needed me to support him and that I would not pressure him to talk with me but just know that I will always be there for him through this episode. He respnded with a,"Then I'll try like hell to reach out to you". I got one call and two texts after that. It's been two weeks since then.
Not only do I love this man for what he is to me now, but what we were before and what I know we can be in the future...one darn kick ass friendship that takes the insane balls of life together!
So I am trying my darnest to do as much research as I can on the illness, participate in forums such as these, and join support groups that meet every week to talk about our experiences dealing/supporting loved ones with depression and anxiety.
These things have kept me going; givinn me hope and faith that he'll come out of this. It's just a matter of time really..at least, this seems to be my new mantra
But let me tell ya'll somethin'..this is one hell of a challenge; not only do I not see him, but now I don't hear from him and I have no idea what he is thinking about or even if he still cares for me. It is a ***** of a feeling..gets me in the gut big time and punches my heart like "Ali"!
But I keep trying to remember that, while others around me may not understand why I'm staying and standing strong for him, I do!. And I truly hope, he can get through this and remember what we had and he doesn't decide to just give in and leave thinking, that's the best course of action.
So..you see, that's why I responding to this post. He's not throwing verbal darts at me, but not hearing anything at all is killing me just the same. And just him telling me he wants to break it off..while that may be the depression talking, it still hurts like mad when he said it. I mean, heck, I AM only human...words hurt. Not taking it personally has proven to be a challenge to!
And for those of you going through the same, if you're like me; having a relationship with that one person who makes your heart skip a beat and makes your jaw tired from laughing so much, and delightfully consumes the majority of your thoughts, well then..having that 95
% of my life with the rest being like this...hell, it's all worth it!
'course...having some incredible souls such as yourselves give my self-esteem a wee bit of a boost, and being able to share and get feedback, helps immensely to keep me going and keep my faith in our relationship.
What's that saying, "keep on keepin' on"? Yup..that's me..cuz no lyin', I'm tryin..thanks to all of you here, my support groups and my memories of my bud and best friend..my boyfriend