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New Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/6/2007 4:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi all, this is the 1st time I've posted on any message boards concerning depression but my life pretty much sucks and I'm hoping to learn how others have successfully coped with depression.  This will be a long post.  Just a little background.  I am a 36 yr old male, divorced, and don't have any children.
Like a lot of you, I had a miserable childhood.  My father physically, mentally, and sexually abused me from the time I was 3 yrs old ( my earliest memeories ).  The sexual abuse was not too severe and without getting too specific, I was not raped or anything like that.  It only lasted a year or two when I was going through puberty.  The real damage came from the constant emotional abuse.  I was physically abused up to the time I was 16 yrs old when I finally fought back and broke his jaw.  However, the emotional abuse continued.  He died a few yrs ago and I did not even shed a tear.  Unfortunately, I still have nightmares from time to time (once or twice a month).
I pretty much was lonely and sad through out my whole childhood.  My mother tried to protect/ defend me but she was not around 24/7.  I am not real close to her because a part of me has never forgiven her for not putting the safety of her children 1st and for not leaving my father.  I think the only reason I survived my childhood was the fact I was heavily involved in sports.  Guess it served as a distraction.
I was depressed through out college, had a hard time in social settings and had horrible luck with women, even though I was attractive and in good physical shape.  By my Junior year, I was finally feeling better about myself, had more friends, and things were looking up.  Later in the year, I met my 1st true love.  A year later, we were married and for the 1st time in my life, I did not feel alone anymore.
The marriage was a pretty good one overall, especially the 1st 6 yrs or so (marriage lasted 11 yrs).  Our love actually seemed to strengthen with each passing year and we soon were not just lovers, but each other's best friend.  After being married for a year, I got a job as a police officer while my wife went back to school and worked part time as a waitress. 
Things started going downhill when I got involved in a shooting incident while on duty (bank robbery in progress).  Basically, after this shooting, I started having panic attacks while on duty.  At 1st, it only happened occassionally.  This went on for 4 yrs and I told nobody about it.  Over the 4 yr period, the attacks happened with more regularity.  I became depressed and basically crawled in a hole.  I stopped going out with friends, and I started neglecting my wife sexually and emotionallly.   I also stopped working out and put on like 40 lbs. 
She reacted by hanging out at bars after work with her friends/co-workers more often and was coming home at 2, 3, even 4 am several times a week.  During this time, I also started playing computer games, some of which were MMPORGs. I think I did this as a means to escape reality.  Anyways, after 4 yrs of things progressively getting worst, I finally cracked and went to see the police psychologist.  I was diagnosed diagnosed with PTSD and went out on a medical retirement.
This just resulted in me becoming more depressed.  I felt as if my identity was stripped from me and had no idea what I was going to do with my life, since the only education I had was my bachelors in Criminal Justice.  I was taking meds at this point and seeing the police psychologist on a regular basis but he did not help at all.  Basically, he was an enabler and just listed to me when I needed someone to put their foot in my butt and tell me to get my act together. 
I basically became a bum and just played on my computer all day.  This went on for about 8 months and my wife finally gave up on me.  She ended up having an affair with a guy she knew from one of the bars she hung out.  He was 16 yrs older than her.  I found out after it had gone on for aprox 1 month (she finally admitted to it after coming home around 6 am twice in one week).  She then asked for a divorce.  A month later, she moved out and 6 months later, the divorce was final in Jan 06.  I have not heard or spoken to her in over a year.  Don't know where she lives and don't have her phone number (deleted it months ago).  Since the divorce, I did sell all my computer games and swore to never play them again.
During this time, I had a few good months were I got back in shape, dated a few women, and was feeling good.  However, I fell back in depression last summer and still have not come out of it.  I have switched meds 3 times now with no results.  I got out of shape again but started working out regulary about 2 months ago.  I'm slowly getting back in shape but do not feel any better mentally. 
I have 0 money, went through bankruptcy about 6 months ago, lost the house, and now live in an apt which sucks after owning a home for almost 10 yrs and being 36 yrs old just reinforces my feelings of being a failure.  I have no money even though I did retire from the department.  My pension is only 50% which equates to about $2,000 a month after paying the medical insurance (which sucks). I have not seen a psychiatrist since last year because I cannot afford the weekly $30 co-payments and this is only for the ones in the insurance network, none of which I liked.  The guy I was seeing was out of the network and was costing me $125 a visit with 60% being reimbursed back to me after I mailed in a claim. 
I did get a real estate license hoping to make some extra money but am failing at it miserably.  Only completed one sale in the past 8 months.  I just seem to lack the energy and motivation to go out there and prospect on a consistent basis (cold calling and knocking on doors).    I have not been on a date in over 6 months, pretty much gave up on that.  Most of the women I have dated I was not attracted to, the chemistry was just not there, and the attractive ones have either been crazier than myself or very selfish/shallow.
I'm just at a point where I do not know what to do.  I have very few friends (they mostly hang out at bars all the time and get drunk).  I'm tired of the bar scene so I spend most of my evenings at home, being lonely, and not being able to sleep as in tonight considering its almost 5 am and I have not slept at all.  I am just tired of being lonely, broke,  not succeeding in my career, and unhappy all the time.  I am beginning to think this is my life and there is nothing I can do about it.  The only time I was happy was during my marriage prior to the shooting. 
Any advice or suggestions on what to do have a happy life or do most people with depression suffer the rest of their life with it?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/6/2007 4:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there and Welcome to HealingWell!
Firstly, I am wondering if there is some kind of financial aid packet you can pick-up to help you with your therapy? If not, can you afford to drop $30 somewhere? (Is there some luxury you could drop?) Because the therapy would really help you. Also, getting out in the sunshine and exercising would do you good as well. You dont sound like a failure to me. If you were a failure, you wouldnt be on HW looking for help... you would have given up. I know things are not going well at the moment with the selling, but as I understand real estate, it comes in waves anyway... you have good months and bad months. Maybe this is just one of your bad months? Have you tried taking up a hobby or joining a social group you enjoy? It could be a sport like Tennis or Golf, or a less active club like painting etc... Chances are, these people are not going to be sloshed in the pub at 3am!
I hope this helps and keep posting!
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
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Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
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Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/6/2007 5:45 AM (GMT -6)   
I too want to welcome you to the forum,I am sure you will find the support that you are looking for.
You have been through so much in your life and starting over just sucks basically. I am 37 and had to start over after I left my ex husband 6 years ago. He was both physically and mentally abusive,and it took me 13 years to finally get enough guts to leave.
I too was molested at a young age,and I am still working on that with my depression.
The reason I am telling you these things is that I want you to know that there are alot of people on this board that will understand what you are going through,and that we will not judge.

You being a police officer just adds to your panic attacks and depression,dealing with all of the problems of the world has got to do damage to your mind no doubt.
I do think that with everything that you have been through you will make it. It might not be tomorrow or the next day but,you will wake up one morning and realize that things are starting to turn around.
We have to really appreciate the good days as they seem so few and far between.

Use this board to help with your healing,I credit this forum and all of the great people for my healing process.

Stay strong and keep us posted.
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/6/2007 3:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey HN:
Welcome! I just joined last night and actually feel kind of weird welcoming you when I am a new member myself but I'm glad you're here just the same. I am so sorry you have gone through so much. No one deserves to have to go through what you've had to go through. I'm a 35 year old female who was married to a police officer for 4 years. We have a 3 year old son. Although we're no longer together, I have nothing but respect for that whole profession. You all put yourselves on the line every day and that speaks volumes about you and your character. I too suffer from depression and feel like I've got a lot in common with you. Everyone in my life tells me I should have no problem meeting men but the men I meet end up hurting me and I end up back in a depression hole again. Growing up my homelife was very disfunctional and I feel my dad emotionally abused me (although he would say otherwise). At any rate, it has killed my self esteem and my issues have followed me into my adult years. I too have anger at my mom for not protecting me, but unfortunately we can't change the past. We can only deal with the present and try to be happy in the future. It sounds like you're really trying to better your situation so don't give up!! You sound like a great person. We are all here for you. In the 24 hours I've been a member, I've smiled several times just knowing there are people here who understand and care about what I'm going through.
You definately need to talk to a professional. Are there any clinics through your county's or state's health dept that you could turn to? You might qualify for free services or reduced rates.
Don't give up! You are a great person! Let me know how you're doing, ok?

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 8/6/2007 5:01 PM (GMT -6)   

Welcome HN:


I am sorry that you are going through so much right now.  Being depressed dosen't help matters any either.  It is tough out there and all you can do is your best.  I know abount failure, I too feel like that some days.  As for counseling I think that will help you, I do know that at some churches they offer free counseling.  If you will consider that I think that may be a good option and you won't have to worry about the money.  As for being happy, I myself am trying to figure out what makes me happy too.  Anything that can put a smile on your face or make you laugh, like some funny movies or being around children always helps me.  Life changes are always tough career wise and relationships.  Try to focus on the positive things, the little things, sunsets, sports, whatever it is for you.  As for meds, I am still trying to find the best fit too, it is not uncommon for it to take  a while for people to find the right meds that work best for them.  I wish there was a magical cure for us, just try to be patient and know that we are all here to listen.  Good luck and take care,



Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/6/2007 7:44 PM (GMT -6)   

Hello and Welcome to Healing Welll and the depresion forum. You are not alone as there are many caring and supportive people here to help you and validate your feelings.

I am wondering if you took retirement from the PD for PTSD if you are eligible for SSI and  disability benefits.  That would  surely give you what you need to see a therpist and received the medical care I feel would help you.  Also would you not be eligible for Workmen's Comp Benefits as you were injured on the job?

Now I do not know how all these things work but hopefully others here will have some info.

For now I wish you peace and hope.  Stay with us and keep posting.


Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter


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