Do you ever feel useful, yet completely useless at the same time? Like you know people depend on you for certain things and they'd be screwed for awhile if you left, but you don't really feel like they appreciate you at all no matter how much they say they do? Sometimes I want to say just do your own crap and stop delegating it to everyone else, because I don't even feel like doing my own work, much less everyone elses'. But I know I would never actually say it to the people I'd like to say it to; being helpful (or rather, doing other people's work for them) is something I've always done. I'm one of those "project geeks" that people use to do their "group report" so they can get an A without doing any work themselves. I guess the proper term would be door mat?
It's sort of self-defeating when you know what your problem is but you're too spineless to correct it. And perhaps it's too late anyway. If you do something all your life and then you change and start sticking up for yourself, even though people say everyone would respect you more, I think they would probably just hate you. Or me, I mean. And even if I knew how to stick up for myself, I would just be too afraid. My stomach hurts just thinking about it- the confrontations.
I hate confrontation. It's so much easier to just say "Sure" instead of saying "No" and having to deal with all the questions and badgering. But one favor leads to three and then everyone thinks they can just tell you to do whatever they want and sit on their lazy *** and smoke cigarettes all day and laughing about how they get paid to do nothing.
I thought moving out of state and meeting new people would be a great opportunity to be a different, stronger person and start things off on the right foot. Fat lot of good that did me. Maybe if I actually went out and did things instead of flaking out at the last minute and making excuses for my social inadequacy, perhaps it would be a different story altogether. Or maybe not. Perhaps my personality is just inherently flawed and after some time people realize it for themselves and don't want to bother trying. Being close to me seems more like a chore than anything, even for myself.