Only 2.5mg until I know for sure what effect it's going to have on my lungs, upped too 5mg when we know how I'm reacting.
The 2.5mg I had earlier, has already taken a lot of weight from me. I still feel incredibly low, but not as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulder's.
My psychiatrist asked me straight out on whether I would try and OD on the diazapam. It's a stupid question though really. I'm on over 100 tablets a day. There's no way I'm taking any extra unless I actually need them. I suppose they do have to ask though, and it's better that they do I think.
I'm complately falling apart at the moment, and am relying very heavily on my CF team to get me through this next week. I've been up there today, and sat on the unit for about 5 hours. I saw my psychiatrist in this time, and nurses came to check on me and chat to me anytime they could. Along with making me 2 coffee's, I then got a third coffee from my consultant. He never makes coffee for anyone ever, so I feel very privilaged.
They want to admit me again, for more IV antibiotics, but I'm holding out for now. I can't deal with the stress they bring along with everything else. I think the good things they would do, would be to bring my lung function back up, and make it so I'm extremely close to someone all of the time, especially my CF team and psychiatrist, who would be able to see me every day. I think the down sides too them, definately outweigh the good sides though.
My friend Sami was featured in the paper today, my CF nurse went and bought the paper for me. I havn't read the article yet, as I don't feel I am ready. But it is now here for when I just need a reminder of the strength Sam had even at the end.
I'm still going through with wedding next week. As much as I don't feel happy. I think planning towards Saturday will give me a bit of an extra push when the going gets really tough. I just hope I can enjoy the day, and do it justice. It's really hard, as I have a really beautiful image of Sami in her wedding dress, the happiest I've ever seen her. She even walked through the hospital on that day, in her wedding dress, to show the CF team, and the ward staff. I want to keep that memory very alive. Butat the same time, it's a reminder how my own weddings coming up, and how difficult it will be for Paul, when I hit seriously ill.
Everything just hurts so much right now. I'm going between crying and sleeping, I am absolutely exhausted.
I just hope now, that the diazapam can keep me on a bit of a straighter road, than the one I'm currently on.
Hope everyone is well