You're not alone. I relate to a lot of things you write both concerning how you feel re. your struggles and what your girlfriend shared. I have had mild depression for years too, and recently became seriously depressed. Much of it was burnt out and life circumstances I believe. Anyway, I started taking rhodiola rosea based on a recommendation by sunnivara in this forum and it gave me back my energy ... myself! I'm sharing this to say that I can personally say I have always loved my husband but when I was depressed I felt no pleasure - I was numb, exhausted and shut down. I was amazed how just taking this herb and getting energy back, and some self esteem (now that I coudl function again) - how the fact that I now felt happy caused me to naturally "feel the love" again toward my hubby. Like I said, I loved him all along, I just couldn't connect with it - and it wasn't about
my heart, but about
my physiological condition I guess you'd call it. When I felt good, I naturally had good feelings for others too again.
I would definitely hang in there - five months is not that long to really know in my opinion. But I wouldn't rush into marriage, that's for certain. I can say that a lot of the dreams I had at the beginning of my relationship wtih hubby just didn't happen. Maybe they still will, but it's true - things like depression, illness, the hardships of life etc. they can seriously alter a relationship, and that's where we need to realize that 'for better or for worse' may be 'for worse' at times. BUt that doesn't have to be a bad thing - it's when things aren't all peaches and cream that we learn to love beyond ourselves, and to develop faith and perseverance...if we choose to and the support we need is there. My husband has also suffered with depression, and it was no fun for either of us. But really, having been through all that, it can also create a really strong bond between the two of you.
Give it time. Don't feel guilty about
your worries and concerns if you can help it. They are valid. It is hard to not always have the person there you fell so in love with. She's still there, but she's just in a different season. But it's an ebb and flow in life. So you'll need to see if you can accept the full package. In my case, after I started taking the rhodiola, my hubby said "It's good to have you back!" and I knew what he meant. So I also think I know what you mean when you describe missing the person you fell in love with when she's not feeling or able to exude her happy self.
Hubby is playing music in the background and my concentration is going all about
, so if this is a bit disjointed, can I blame him? haha.
It's not cut and dry, but here's a tip: If you reach the point where you feel like you've had it, or it's hopeless...hang in just a little while longer, and see what happens, because often that's just when things will suddenly turn around - i.e. not when you've had enough, but after you've had enough. Sometimes life is all about
endurance and then suddenly the sunshine comes out again
I hope it works out for you. Love is precious. - mb
Post Edited (manyembers) : 8/28/2007 11:23:07 PM (GMT-6)