I don't really know where to start.
If you want to know why I am the way I am, keep reading. If you want to know me now, skip this next paragraph. My father grew up in a household full of anger and depression, but I have a hard time feeling bad for him because of the way he physically abused my sister, and the way he emotionally and verbally abused my mother and I. My mother's father was an alcoholic who, from stories I heard, was angry and abusive. My mother is timid and never stood up to my father when I was still living at home. When I was 10 or 11, my sister started telling me that no one loved me, that I was worthless and that I was a mistake. at 10, I believed her. My sister started doing drugs when I was about
11. My parents would leave us alone in the house and she would beat me, drag me around the house by my hair, slap me, etc. Once she handcuffed me to a chair and held a knife to my throat. When I was 14 I had brain surgery and she told me that I was the reason for her drug use. She was in an out of rehab for a few years, and went to jail a few times. My Mom and Dad used to fight a lot when I was home too. and by fighting I mean my Dad used to scream at my Mom a lot. Due to my family, I never felt safe at home. As for growing up, Mom and Dad had their hands full with my sister so I had to grow up kind of fast on my own. I am 22 now, I moved out of that house for the first time when I was 18 and went off to college. I moved back in state and left my parents house for good 2 years ago. I spent a week in an inpatient center for mental health when I was a freshman in high school because I finally told the therapist I was seeing at the time that I wanted to kill myself, and she promptly told my parents. Sometimes I feel that I need to go back there. For the past 4 years or so, I've dealt with pretty much constant back pain due to multiple problems including 2 slipped discs, and my depression has come back full force because of that stress.
Lately I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I am dating this guy, and have been for about
6 months, but I don't want to put this on him, because it became an issue in my last relationship, I don't want him to feel like he has to take care of me, or act like he has to watch what he says because it might trigger something for me. I had an old high school friend commit suicide about
a month ago and I was sad but kind of freaked out because I had been thinking about
it again (not thinking about
doing it, just thinking about
it). I saw him the night I found out and he noticed something was wrong and we talked about
it. We talked more about
it later when I was feeling better and he told me I kind of freaked him out that night because he didn't like seeing me like that, but he really didn't know what to do that night. I don't want him to feel like that again. My close girlfriend tries, and i know she loves me, but she has admitted that she just can;t understand why I am unhappy for no particular reason, so it's hard for her to cope with. She asks me why I can't just be happy.
I have been told all my life that am "the strong one." So I feel like I have to live up to that, be stoic and not let things get to me. But when I lie in bed at night, it's hard to fight the darkness that envelops me and it's hard not to pray for God to just take me in my sleep, because that's a 'better option than suicide."
I was driving home from the movies with my friend tonight and we were talking and all of a sudden, it hit me. That feeling when your soul is being dragged into the darkness. I tried to keep breathing evenly and not let the panic in, but my roommate noticed. We got home, I assured her it wasn't something she said and went up to my room, curled up into a ball on the floor and started bawling. I know she's worried about
me and that I should probably head downstairs and tell her I'm okay.
Does depression manifest itself in a physical sense for anyone else? Maybe it's just compounded by my back problems, but I was lying on the floor and it felt like my spine was stretching out my skin and trying to break through. Is this common for anyone else? I wanted to scream it was such a horrible feeling. Not painful at all, just unbearably tense. Sometimes I can't stand being in my own skin.
And by the way, I am a girl despite the name. Humphrey is the name of my giant care bear that I hug when I need it.
Post Edited (Humphrey) : 8/24/2007 11:39:17 PM (GMT-6)