I'm not terribly sure where to even begin, its been so long. I've felt depressed what probably amounts to most of my memorable life. Its that old cliche, rough adolescence, blah blah blah. Somehow it carried into adulthood, not really sure how or why. All I know is that I've felt horrible for years, and I'm not honestly sure I can simply trudge ahead with life anymore.
I remember being happy once, a long time ago, can only kind of picture what that was like now. I think its really problematic being strong willed with a great store of mental toughness and inner strength while being depressed. You can't see whats happening to yourself... instead toughing up on the inside and lowering expectations to get through the "hard times." Slowly you loss your sense of self, forgetting what its like to even feel anything. You kill your emotions to not feel the pain, but really you only bury yourself in the process. Years later, after the pain has drained all that once was good in you away, all thats left is a shell of yourself that can't feel anything anymore. You emotionally beat yourself up just to feel anything at all, but eventually that even fades away. Everyday you wake up to disappointment of having even woken up at all.
I've been depressed for so long that I push everyone away from me... "really me," instead letting them only see a facade. I'm not a failure at life, not an idiot by any means, I know I'm intelligent and I know that there are bright things likely in store for me... I just can't let go of whatever this is. Depression has been with me so long that it is who I am... I don't know how to feel any other way... or at least I don't know how. If I didn't have some lingering religious beliefs towards Christianity, I think despite how bad I feel, I fear hell more... and I can't help but feel that despite everything, there is something I'm supposed to learn in life or what have you that God put us all here for, and that I'd be letting down my end of the bargain... I can't defend that or extrapolate further
I have friends and family, people I think really do care about
me. I just don't care about
myself nor can I seem to convince myself to. Even writing this now I can't defend why I feel this way. Its like a downward spiral... you should get help early on else end up like me where you feel how you do, buts its been so long since you originally became depressed you have no idea why you feel that way anymore. I suppose hurting my friends and family also weighs heavily on my mind... I wouldn't want to hurt them.
Its somewhat amusing... I'm that guy people come to for advice, that person that is "safe" and never really acts to hurt others. I honestly do care and feel things towards other people and have had people that are close to me that I have confided in. Its just ironic that the person that many of my friends comes to for counsel and advice is the one that is probably the closest to a collapse at any given point.
I once was really angry about
this whole thing, feeling as though my childhood had been robbed from me. Then I felt like my young adult years had been robbed from me. Since, I've come to realize that some people are just not meant to be happy in life. There are lots of people that have been unhappy their entire lives (Winston Churchill for example... not many people know it but in the course of saving the UK from the ****s... Churchill routinely cried himself to sleep nor felt that he was worth anything, mentioning the "wolves in the shadows" that always prowled his mind).
I don't really anticipate a response. I just feel that my mental toughness is starting to fade, and I'm not sure that in 6 months even my fear of the mortal sin will be enough. Years of depression has broken me. I'm not the person I once was, and I don't know if I want to wait longer for this to pass.
I had to edit your post..please refer to the rule #
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 9/2/2007 6:23:17 AM (GMT-6)