i need help how to deal with depressed boyfriend

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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/17/2007 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
hi there i just joined this forum wondered if someone could give me some advice!
my boyfriend is depressed although he wont admit it. His dad had depression and i fear its passed to him. He has gone thru a long period of illness resulting in surgery and this has gone on for over 8 months - we live quite far apart from each other and its been really strained as we have hardly seen each other. Im totally at the mercy it feels of his moods and he is really pushing me away and feels that any help i try to give him is just highlighting his weakness or something. I have been thru the illness that he has been thru so can totally understand how this has felt for him but he wont accept that.
he says that he isnt depressed - that he is just down from his illness but i dont think this is the case. I love him so much but cant make him see that its affecting us so much. he blows up at the slightest thing i say that isnt what he wants to hear and then tells me i stress him out and he doesnt want to talk for a few days etc.
since his surgery its not got better although i thought he would be on the mend. he still wont make the trip to see me and i feel that he is worried to leave the house almost. i can see the signs of depression but he wont admit to them. in the meantime i feel like the enemy or the instigator in any arguments when actually all I want to do is support and help him but what I cant do is keep my mouth shut when I hear of him destroying himself.
Any advice? i think we are on the verge of spliiting and I really dont want this but his depression is really destroyingn our relationship

Doug Eby
Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/17/2007 1:48 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi chickpea, welcome to the forum

Wow!  My heart goes out to you, I can imagine how hard this must be on you.

I'm a depression sufferer and a few other things.  I put my wife through hell, much like your boyfriend is doing.  There realy isn't much else you can do other then try to support him and continue to try and get him to seek help.  Unfortunatly, until he admits or recognizes that there is a problem, he will fight you.

Perhaps you could try providing him with a list of the symptoms of depression, since I don't think he will look for this himself.

Keep us posted and good luck.



We learn by asking
No question is dumb... some answers however, are.

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/17/2007 2:48 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks for replying Doug. It actually helps reading some of the posts on this forum and realising that some of the things that other peoples partners have done are the same and im not making it up cause up until now whenever i try and broach the subject with my boyfriend he just bounces back blame onto me, unless he is having a good day then he apologises (he told me once he would end his life if he had to continue to go thru pain and when i argued with him about this he wouldnt speak to me for days then in a more lucid moment he said he should have never have said this it was selfish of him and horrid thing to say - but it does make me worry. even in my darkest moments with my illness i never felt this way)
maybe i should wait until he is good to broach the subject but when hes like that i dont want to start old arguments. i tried telling him that i thought he was depressed, that he needed help and shouldnt be ashamed but he got really angry with me and told me it wasnt true, that he was just feeling down cause of being ill but i can see the difference i really can. he cant see past the initial moment which means we live on "we will see how i feel tomorrow"'s or just simply no plan making at all which drives me crazy it really does as i just want to make some sort of plan for the future and i see it as him somehow not wanting me and being too scared to say he wants to finish but when i have accused him of this he denies it. i feel like he is pushing me to finish with him but i dont want to - and I know this is selfish of me but if we finished now, so soon after his surgery I would feel like i had abandoned him but to be honest i dont know how much longer i can take the mood swings.

i suppose even if he cant admit he has depression i can learn about how to deal with it and that might make things better. I know i make it worse sometimes by reacting to his angry statements and accusations.
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