And I'm not sure how too.
I really feel like throwing in the towel, just stting back,and letting my health and my head and everything, just take me wherever it wants. I feel in an utter lack of control, and am not sure on how to get myslef back on track. It feels like inside, I'm screaming for help, but outside, noone can hear that, as I seem to be just whispering it.
I saw y psychiatist yesterday, she pushed me lots, and worked hard, but yet, I still couldn't explain what inside me was feeling like. I told her about my anger and agitation, when just the tinyest thing goes wrong. We talked about how I felt through these anger attacks.
I couldn't even touch on the issue of me not wanting too be here. I couldn't bring it up. Even when I got back from the hospital, I was regretting that I didn't say enough, but also scared I'd said too much.
I've just rang my psychiatrists secutay, and asked her too ring me back, but god knows what I'm ging to say if she does ring back. And, now I kind of regret ringing in the first place.
It's me that's thinkng like this, and surely I should be able too stop it, and I don't want to get into a cycle, of someone else helping me. I need to do this on my own, but at the same time feel so helpless, and wek, and I do't even know where too start.
I feel so guilty, Paul's just married me, and it would hurt him so bad, if I did what I was dreaming of last night. What I've been thinking about all day. He would never understand, that I'm just fed up of fighting.
I keep writing things down, writing poems, and each one is very much the way I'm feeling. I'm supposed to share these with my psychiatrist, but I can't. As much as I even feel I need too and want to, I just can't, something inside just stops me.
I feel so ahamed to be saying this is how I feel, I know I should be happy. It's just like a maze, and I've really lost my way, and am very very confused.
Sorry for writing all this here, and I'm not even sure anyone will even be able to help, but it's the second place I can scream out, and it's the second place, I have hope that someone can help. It'd proably b good if I could forward this on too someone close enough to actually be abe to help me, like my CF nurse or my psych, but for some rason, that thoght makes me feel ill.