Ok, thought I'd give a bit of an udate, after losing my internet for a bit.
This week has been harsh. I'm still not feeling right, and the slightest thing is still tipping me overthe edge. But, I am slowely getting there, and becoming slightly less dark in mood.
My dose of Mirtazapine has been upped to 45mg now. Had 3 doses, and in typical Gema fashion told my proper psychiatrist about
the increase only yesterday. (It was the community psychiatrist who suggested the increase.)
I've had some good news this week, in that there is now less of a balance problem in my legs. I've jumped on this as my hapy thought for the week, as it's good health news for a change. Also muscle biopsy results done in Feb, should be ready by the end of next week.
Rigth now I'm scared and lost, and feel like I'm in a really bad place. Even though I can see positives, they aren't enough.
I'm stil seeing the crisis team, visits now down to every other day. I don't know what too say too them when they are here, and they keep letting me go off chating about
guinea pigs and piercings and PS games, but I suppose it's good having someone to talk too when I do need them. I can't fully directly let my feelings out to them, and they keep asking me how I think they can help me. I don't know the answer to this. I feel beyond help. There is no way to erase things that have happened and there is no way too erase how I feel. They keep asking how I feel, and the only answer I have is low, lower than I've ever been before. I've repeated over and over why I feel so low.
They mentioned bearevement counciling, but seriosly I don't see how that can help. I have discussed over and over and over how Sami died, why she gave up the fight, why was she taken so young. I've had all this out with my CF nurse and my dietician, and they both gave reasonable answers that I can understand perfectly, just can't accept.
The song played at her funeral, too all the CF teams involved in Sami's care, was My Way by Frank Sinatra, yet I still can't accept the fact that God has taken yet another really young princess to be an angel.
I'm trying too find out where the nearest C of E church is to me. I gave up on faith long ago, but I suddenly have such an urge too go too church, and try to find some answers I think. I've been listening too Libera boy's choir all week, I got one of there CD's, and am searching the lyrics searching the songs, just for any hint, of anything really.
I'm going away on Tuesday, just for the day, to see the research coordinator from the children's hospital. She was my best friend while I was at the children's, up until the age of 18, when I was finally forced too leave there care. It will be nice too see her, although am also dreading having too step foot out of the house.................Infact I haven't left the house all week. I haven't watched the news either. I think it's just because there is a big wide world out there, that right now, I just don't want to be a part of.
Wow, I've babbled a lot, but I feel a little less heavy now I think. I best go sleep, need to keep in a routine, as Mirtazapine at a higher dose, has brought back knock-out effects that went away a while ago. Strange yes, but I never react normally too anything, so why start now eh?
Night night and hope everyone's ok
Co-moderator in the: Cystic Fibrosis Forums
Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Serevent, Salbutamol, Paracetamol, Ondansetron, Nefopam, Ciprofloxacin, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Saline neb/PEP system, Piriton, Mirtazapine, Diazepam, slow-sodium, Skandishake and Fresubin.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since Nov 05