Posted 9/26/2007 9:45 AM (GMT -6)
As some of you may know my posts can be lengthy and boring but bear with me I don't know where else I can vent this. I recently returned to school (a bigger one, with boys this time) and am still supremely unhappy. There are a few things that have really made me stand up and take notice though.
I) I am back in my hometown and my parents are right down the street. I only have a couple friends on campus so far, and have been tempted to just call my parents and stay weekends at my house. I hate drinking and drugs so the fact that other people indulge in them is sometimes more of an impetus to get off campus. I just feel like I've been a huge baby about this whole thing. I think about my parents and start crying - wishing I was home and not at school. This happened to me at school before, but I was in a different state (geographically) and couldn't do anything to act on those impulses. My parents are leaving this weekend to go on vacation for a week, but when they get back I'm going to Boston with my boyfriend. I actually got short of breath when thinking about how I now have to go two weeks without seeing them... that's not good. Should I just ignore them all together? When I left for school, I said that I wanted everyone to pretend I didn't exist anymore and to just let me do my thing at school. Now I'm the one being lame and coming home all the time. I hate my life.
Ia) Boyfriend. There's sort of this boy and I am echoing a lot of the feelings other people in relationships have had on here. Am I too needy? Am I too crazy to be with him? Do I just like the fact that he thinks I'm worth spending time with? He tells me I make him "so happy" and that he loves me. I don't even love myself, so the idea that someone else could love me is crazy to me.
II) Counseling. I went to UHS (health services) because I was getting tummy aches. They told me I was crazy (a diagnosis I was not willing to accept because I watch "House" and "Mystery Diagnosis" all the time) and that I should go see a counselor. So I did, and he's in the last year of his doctorate. I know he knows what he's doing, it's just strange that he still has textbooks with "USED" stickers on them from our bookstore. He's like 12. Anyway, not the point. I've been twice. I used to be on Effexor, but stopped because I was traveling and thought it best to quit cold turkey. I feel like I should be back on it or at least trying it again, but it's like I started from square one with this new guy. My old doctor is about five minutes away, but I don't have a car. My boyfriend offered to drive me, but I know that I can't ask him to do that. Plus, it's too much effort.
III) Work. I still don't have a major. Now it feels like I'm just *****ing so I'll stop, but... grrrr. Now I can't go abroad like I wanted, and I am having thoughts of going back to the all-girls school I was at freshman year because I know I can study what I want. Help...