What should I do?

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New Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/14/2007 11:50 AM (GMT -6)   
I have been in a marriage for 15 years with an alcoholic and bi-polar woman.She can be very hateful and mean to me and our 2 children together. We have been to counseling earlier in our marriage and it didn't help b/c she stopped going. She is a functional alcoholic, she only get hammered and depressed on the weekends. We have no affection towards one another Our marriage is strictly business now. I get up and go about my life every day but I don't know how much longer I can continue this fake existance in this marriage. I'm only 40 I miss all the things that go with being in love. We have it all big house, kids in good schools. She just doesn't want any help at all and goes off when I suggest anything about her drinking. I don"t know if I can take care of my sons alone and work the hours I do to just survive. I dont feel like I have a way out or anything that could help me. I'm seeking advice from an attorney. It's about to get very ugly but I'm up against a wall. Any suggestions?   Should I stay or go?   confused

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 10/14/2007 12:18 PM (GMT -6)   
The first thing I would say is that you cannot help anyone unless they want help.  It doesnt sound to me that it is a healthy relationship to begin with.  It is hard enough to take care of yourself let alone someone that has depression that doesnt want help.
Unfortunely I cant give any positive advice on what I would advise you to do, just do what you think is best for you no matter what the outcome for anyone else.
Good luck.
 The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/14/2007 2:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Black40...OMG! you sound exactly the way my husband felt in his 1st marriage! He was "40" when he faced her at the dinner table one night and blurted out "I can't live like this any longer" he too worked long hrs, has 2 kids, big house ect....he said he just couldn't "fake" it any longer. She was a prof. women earning 6 figures but would come home every night and drink scotch till she passed out. She later said she drank b/c of him! Well, she still drinks and they have been divorced for years! You might consider Alanon for support. It all works out in the end. He bought a house, shared custody, found child care when needed. We met on a date site and have been happily married for almost 4 yrs! I too was in an abusive marriage. It is easier sometimes to stay but not in the long run. It catches up with you. Good luck!      

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/14/2007 3:12 PM (GMT -6)   

Hello and Welcome to Healing Well,

I guess being a romantic at heart, I would have to ask if you love this woman? You say you have no affection for each other but is that her disease causing that or do you truly not have any love left for her?

IMHO I would like to suggest that you at least see a counselor b/4 making a decision. 

I know you can not make her quit drinking, that is her problem.  She has to want to stop drinking.

I am sorry you are at this point in your life but all I can give you is support and you will have to look deep within yourself to find the answer to do you leave or do you stay?

Take care and again a warm welcome.


Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 10/15/2007 5:30 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi Black and welcome to HealingWell

You have been given some great advice already. It doesnt sound like your house is a very happy place, and I would consider the effect on the children as part of your decision. Also, you say that your wife is mean to you and the kids... We cannot go into fine details of abuse here because we have minors who use the site, but if this is the case please consider your welfare as well. I wouldnt want to answer the question "Do I stay or do I go?" because it is your decision to make. But please remember you arte not on your own. You have the support of everyone here at HW


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