Sorry I havn't been around for so long but until recently, well Ive been coping ok. I left my job back in Aug and started college and I got a new job in a bar in town. Everything was going ok I' not going to say 100% as I have never ever felt myself since last dec but i was coping ok although I still wanted to feel better, my numbness was still around and still is etc and still i know you will all be going here she gos again things havnt been 100% about my bf, which I feel guilty as sin about.
Well up ntil the last few days I was ok now I feel terrible, I have flt down and teary for the last couple of days but today was rock bottom, I felt rubbish from the minute I got up! Ive felt teary down and awful numb towards mt bf (hes the only person I ever get this feeling towards, which i despise) and the only real emotion I felt is a horrible one. It was dark when I got up and my mind just went straight back to Dec last year when it all started and all those terrible anxious dark emotions came flooding back. Its weird cos once I got to college I was kinda ok cos I was around eveyone who I dont really know that well but on my 20 min walk to college i was really sad. Now home again i feel sad and cryish!! Its weird it all comes in spells some weeks/days ill be ok not perfect and normal as before mentioned but coping and dont have that feeling which after a year nearly i still cant recognise towards my bf and we get along fine, other weeks I just constantly crab at hm the eeling all i can descibe it as is 'doubt' returns and I feel awful. I can't understand how or why this happens to me.
My eating sleeping etc is fine as normal and it just seems to be my mind/feelings thats being affected. Its more like an anxiety as I get this about other things/stuations and i worry constantly even about the most pointless things. What makes me sad though is feeling like that and the anxety that it gets me down and I cant handle or understand it :( My bf hasn't done anything wrong but f this makes sense in my books sometimes he cnt do anything right and every move i make i crab and moan and argue with him. I eel terribly awful as I HATE feeling like this towards him and I so desperately long to be how I used to be before last year :( I see other couples walking about cuddling laughing and talking and i get jealous and even more down, the weird thing is i cant describe this properly but ill try my best is that we do have tmes when we laugh and stufflike that but i never acknowledge it if that makes sense when i think back my minds just blanks the feeling and the act that its happeneing. This happens on most occassions when I should be happy, parties etc i sit all sad and depressed for most of them and from coming away from them I never get that Oh I enjoyed that experience feeling i used to. I went on a holiday in aug which was good but to be bluntly honest..I didnt enjoy it. I am sooo worried that i am never going to get rid of this feeling(s) my relationships going to fail and Im going to be unhappy like this for the rest of my life.
I had an appointment booked to see a private psych but I missed my appointment by accident and he phoned my home and went ballistic at me reducing me to tears.
Sorry for this but I feel so bad, its not fair on my bf living like this and i just fee like im at the end of what i can take.