Hello Guys (and girls)-
I'm really not sure what to do anymore. Making a long story short... I've been on SSRIs for about 5 years (since I got to college). I don't remember ever being depressed or having anxiety before then, but I matured very late, and that coupled with going to college nearly destroyed me. Since then, I've been on a number of different medicines, because they always seem to lose their effect after a year or so.
Now, I'm in my final semester and ready to graduate in December. The prospect of being done with college and needing to go out into the real world is too much. It's not that I particularly liked college, I just CANNOT deal with change. As such, I have been having panic attacks lately and my anxiety has been through the roof. Additionally, about 90% of my waking thoughts are about how bad I wish I was just dead. I would NEVER hurt myself or take my own life, but I would love nothing more than to just go into a coma and never wake up, or just get smashed by a car.
I talked to my psychiatrist via phone and he prescribed me Klonopin for the anxiety and told me to up my Effexor by 75mg a day (I have been taking 150mg a day, with the added 75 it's not 225mg a day). This was only a few days ago, so I'm hoping that it gets better. I am going into a psychologist over Thanksgiving break, which I hope should help, but I really don't know what to do in the meantime. Every night I go to bed I hope I don't wake up. And to make matters worse, I feel incredibly guilty about the whole thing. I mean there are people the world over with SERIOUS issues, and here I am, a well to do college kid feeling like complete crap. It's just no good.
Sorry, I sort of babbled on there... but I don't really know where else to go or what to do. My best friend here at school gives me the whole "Man the **** up" attitude and doesn't understand that I'm not willing myself to feel this way, and my sister, who also goes to school here, seems to never have time to talk to me. It wasn't until recently that I told my parents how I'd been feeling, but they are trying to really downplay the depression part of it and chalk it up more to the anxiety about graduating (I mean, maybe it is, I don't konw, I'm not a psychologist). The only time I've really opened up was when I went into talk to one of my professors about it and ended up bawling for 30 minutes. It feels good to talk to people who understand, but just today my parents told me that I should stop telling people about it and deal with it myself.
So, I'm just looking for support here. I realize some of you guys are worse of than me, and for that I apologize. But I'm at wits end here so I figured I'd throw all my cards out on the table.