Posted 11/7/2007 7:53 AM (GMT -6)
Hello Singer 69,
I'm new on here, and having read your posts am glad things seem to be heading in the right direction. Reading your posts sounds very familiar, and it's given me a bit of comfort to know I'm not the only one. Here's my tale....
My wife also has depression and refuses or can't see it until recently. She's also very intelligent, can be hard headed and quite a private person - she finds it difficult to express her emotions at the best of times. She slid into post natal depression and it appears never really cleared up. She's more anxious, has negative views about virtually everything - big and small problems, find issues where there are no issues, pessimistic about the future, manuovers to get all decisions done her way - not done her way will be totally worng - adding pressure on herself. I've tried to give her the space to sort her self out as that's what she appears to want, and it's been three years of what feels like gentle love and affection from me, with little but indifference from her - left feeling more like just another burden in her life, not an equal partner or husband. Our relationship has deteriorated to littel more than room mates as the depression caused her to shutdown and pull away from me even further in trying to battle it single handed - but being an illness it overwhelms your coping mechanism and you sink, much like a virus overwhelms your immune system despite it's best efforts.
It got to the point where I thought I was going under too and almost walked. Stopped because of the kids. Strange in that she's still able to shower love and affection on the two girls (7,4), and have perfectly charming superficial chats with everyone else. But is definitley different with me than she used to be, and doesn't discuss anything about herself. Almost like her world has shrunk so that only the 'Mum' aspect is left, and she's going into that 120% to the exlusion of everything else.
After some prompting the Doc's finally got her properly diagnosed, and she was taken into hosp for two weeks - this made it worse, as she was separated from the kids - her choice not to see them.
She's now out, back on different anti depressants, but is extremely bitter and angry at me for her gonig in/not getting her out, lots of anger in my direction, not really admitting she has a problem I don't think, but is talknig to community nurse etc. Who've told me relationship issues are tied up in it all. Won't say anything about it though.
So now in much the same boat as you have to see where we go from here, really wanting to discuss it, get it all out on the table with relationship counsellor, but if approach subject of how she's feeling conversation immediately shutdown. Atmos at night once kids in bed. Kids picking up on it a little, but both make effort to stay cheerful around them.
Hard going. How long to stick it out, will she accept there's an issue? Will she get it fixed? If she does get it fixed is it a falling out of love realtionship issue ? Is she trying to live married life, when she doesn't actually want it and that's the conflict that's driving it all? Does she jsut need a job and be more than just a mother again? I don't know whether to come forward with more affection - getting very hard to do now, as constantly rejected, and see if she comes round, or pull back offer less affection - as she appears to want, and let her sort it, but at the risk allow gap between us to grow further...
All the best, I'll pop in now and again to see how your getting on, and any advice for me.
I've seen it as a slow closing in of her world, shutting down on me until only this over anxious supermum is left