To answer your question about do I think my issues are related to trauma; I have had good and bad things and people in my life just like everyone, I don't think my issues are caused by past trauma (except the mental trauma of having panic attacks and not sleeping for days) I truly believe its in my genes, but I am certainly not the only one in my family with variations of these issues. Possibly research your family history.
However, when all this started I was in what I have to admit I was in a relationship with an alcholic that was dx bi-polar and OCD...for 6 years. I married him, thinking "it would be better" and I was afraid to be alone. I do think it may have been the "trigger" that set off these things that were alrealy in me. I left and divorced him, because no ones life is worth yours. Yes, at times I feel lonly too, I have never lived by myself and now I do. At first I really liked the peace and freedom of being away from this person, but it does get too quite sometimes. But you can live through it, you have to decide between peace and fear, and all that goes along with it. For me, one day I just left...with no money or a good job...because he was so drunk he almost burned our apartment down and he did not remember any of it. You can't change him...don't sacrifce yourself trying.
I am thinking of you, :)
The reason I asked if trauma has triggered your symptoms is because I can't remember a time I felt like this in the past (before my dad passed away). I've asked my family about depression and they look at me as though it is a "made up" disease that exists in the minds of those who look for sympathy. So far, they can't tell me about family members who might have suffered from this in their late teens, or late 20's (like myself).
I know I can't change anyone. I am only powerful enough to change myself. I know I can change myself to not depend on this person for emotional satisfaction. Kristen, honestly, I am a people person. Everyone I encounter likes me and I am proud of myself and my ability to accept and welcome anyone. It just hurts that I can't get the support I need from the person I want to get it from. To me, in a way, it sounds selfish. However, the wisest advice came to me from my father: "Everyone needs a moment of selfishness." I took that to mean that it's okay just to focus on yourself and forget about everyone else's problems. I am going to start practicing this asap. thanks!