Spouse's Depression, Finances and Best Course of Action...

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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/11/2007 4:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello everyone. I'm new here and hope to receive some good advice or at least a push in the right direction.
I cannot tell a lie. Many times dealing with a depressed spouse is like having a fourth child (I already have three other children.) My spouse has been diagnosed with everything from depression to adhd, dependent personality disorder and onset schizophrenia.
My husband has been extremely irresponsible with finances. He is constantly changing jobs and has been known to lie about how he spends money or what bills have been paid. He has gotten behind on child support for my stepdaughter and can't decide what he wants to do with his life.
Naturally, I took it upon myself years ago to take control of the finances. Originally, I attempted to keep my husband involved in that process, but I have found this to actually hinder our financial stability. Recently, I was given an opportunity to build a great career that would financially stabilize my family and provide very good health insurance. Because of my husband's inability to maintain a steady income, I believe that it is best for me to be the breadwinner, at least for now.
My husband has serious problems with this. He is bothered by my interest in developing a career and accuses me of planning to build a career so that I can leave him. I have worked really hard to develop my credit so that I can buy a car and a house. I am getting ready to apply for a home loan. All along, my husband claimed that he was on board with this. He can't get a home loan himself because of his job history and credit. Therefore, it has to be in my name. He said he would never live in a house that had just my name on it and suddenly he doesn't even see the point in buying a house and thinks we should just rent forever.
Here are a couple of questions I have:
1. Is it wrong for me to demand that my husband completely turn over the finances to me and let me make all of those decisions given that he has done some things which have seriously put the welfare of our family in jeapordy?
2. With a depressed person, is it best to be forceful or to gently prod them to certain actions (such as taking medications, getting out of bed, and setting goals for job and career)?
I am committed to staying with my spouse and do not want my marriage to end, but I feel if I do not take the reins and get control of things, much more will be lost than my marriage.
There is much more to all of this, which I can explain, but I didn't want to bore anyone with all of the drawn out details.
Thanks in advance for any help!

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 121
   Posted 11/11/2007 6:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello and welcome to Healing Well. I am still a newbie here. As someone who has suffered from clinical depression most of my life, I know that some tough love helps. Now in your case it is your spouse. Men don't always like to admit they have a problem. I live w/ a problem drinker at times. Although he is the breadwinner, he has trouble talking about himself and sometimes cannot carry on a conversation unless he has a beer in his hand. This am told by my al-anon sponsor a form of depression w/o admitting it. I like to use reverse psych or what I have learned from other ppl. I am no expert here and men can really be from mars at time but have you ever thought of going to a counselor/mediator? I wish you goot luck and come often. We can be habit forming. Peace. Kota :-)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 11/12/2007 6:24 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi there and welcome to HealingWell,

As Kota has said, sometimes tough love is hard to do but the best idea. Its hard to be forceful with the one you love,  ut if you dont you run the risk of the marriage going off the rails. I think it is a good idea that you are now the breadwinner but when it comes to DECISIONS I think they should still be shared (where possible). He probably feels quite bad that he cannot support you and by taking away the decisions as well will make him feel completely useless.

I hope this helps


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