Posted 12/3/2007 10:54 PM (GMT -6)
I really want to thank everyone for your comments and support during this challenging time. This is the first opportunity I have had to sit down for some time for myself.
I did call his therapist and he was unfortunately out of town. The on-call doctor did talk with me and suggested a local private hospital if my husband went willingly, and then of course calling 911 if his comments continued and refused to go to the private hospital.
When his parents arrived, I filled them in on the fact that he has been depressed for 3 years and that it has gotten worse. I explained his poor decision process and also his comments of suicide as well. They are so supportive and I am so glad to have finally reached out to them. My husband's mother also suffers from depression and anxiety, so both parents knew that this was going to be a long journey. She is open about talking about her depression and it has been very eye-opening talking with someone live about it. His dad was in my shoes, and so he knows how torn up I am feeling.
It was a huge wake-up call for him to have his parents here to deal with it. I think that shouldering it alone combined with the very bad decisions he's made over the past two years terribly deteriorated our relationship. Now we have people who love both of us and who want to see us happy and who want to see us make it through this rough time. Someone from this forum posted over the summer about his story - that after 10 years his wife had left him and only then did he wake up. He said he hoped that my husband found his way before it came to this. I am getting close to wanting to walk away but I have to know that I did everything I could to save my marriage and my family. Much like how Rick has stood by his wife
Shy - yes, you were right... his initial feelings were anger that I called his parents. I keep telling him that I had to reach out to them for him because I no longer knew what to do and because I am not a professional. I hope that he does realize this at the end.
Rick - I had been following your situation since June, and I remember you commented on my situation (I was the one who was pregnant with twins at the time). I haven't had a chance to catch up with your story over the past couple weeks but it sounded like things took a turn for the better since the summer. If I remember correctly, you did not get the same support from your wife's family that I am seeing from my husband's family. This is a true blessing to have their support and I cannot be thankful enough.
Darren - I did not say anything to his employer except to send an email to his direct manager that we had a family emergency and that my husband could not make it into work on Friday. I am letting my husband decide if he wants to say anything further to his employer.
Carla - yes, we do have children. Three girls. Our oldest is a toddler and our little twins are only 3 months old. I am at a loss of what to do if his condition worsens. They need their father, but they need him in a healthy emotional state.
LYN - you are right that he is not his normal self. I told him over the past three days that I miss the man that I married and that I hope that he can make his way back soon.
Kitt - he has almost all the traits from the list you provided... and it is a vicious circle as well. What I am guessing is that he had a mild bout of depression, then we hit our second year of marriage which many of you know is challenging. So "bickering" and "getting more adjusted to each other" was perceived by him in a totally different way than it should have been taken. Then he did some things to betray our marriage and the guilt fiercely fed his depression and the downward spiral continued. And now he feels like he cannot do anything right in our marriage, as well work/children/family/friends/etc... and so he continues to make bad decisions and continues to spiral down into hopelessness.
The three of us have had some very difficult conversations over the past three days with my husband. All of us have asked him if he really truly does want to commit suicide and he says that he does not. His father feels that it was a comment made out of desperation because his worst fear was facing him - his family finding out about his depression and bad behavior. I really hope he is right.
My husband's next appointment with his therapist is tomorrow. His dad talked with him about me going with him to the appointment. Surprisingly, my husband does want me to go. This is the first session where the therapist will actually talk beyond the medication dosage and initial "what's going on" questions. I am going to go for support, but I can't help but feel like I am invading something very personal to him. But, it does affect me directly so I do want to go. His parents also want me to go to ensure that he will be honest with his therapist of what has been going on the past week and to be sure the therapist knows he made some serious comments about suicide.
Today I got the idea on a new approach to encouragement - I explained to him that he was able to pull himself out of his last bout of depression, so he definitely is capable of pulling himself out and needs to remember what it was that made him turn around last time (it was about 7 years ago before we were married and it was a very bad bout of depression, but still went untreated). This time around he is armed with a therapist, medication, and the support from his parents and wife. I am hoping it works.
Thank you all again for your help and support. I will try to post another update in a couple days. Tomorrow is the appointment with his psychiatrist. I have made an appointment with a therapist we saw for marriage counseling in order to try to sort out my own feelings. This is also something that someone from this forum recommended I do back in the summer and I am just now getting an opportunity to do so.
I wish everyone here a good day, whether you are the depressed person or the loved one of a depressed person. I say "day" because we have to take this day by day. We are all on a difficult journey to healing or healing our loved ones. One of the things that I have told my husband is that he has lots of friends who care for him and that there would be a line of people to the moon and back who want to be there for him - but that he needs to reach out for them so that they can know he needs help. For those of you who feel alone - really really really try to take that first step to reach out to your family and friends. It may surprise you how much love is around you.
Sorry for the long post!