I am so sorry for your loss. I know it has to be especially tough going through the holidays without her. It is good that you are able to grieve your loss. It is the healthy thing to do even though it is so painful.
Kitt mentioned her meltdown later on after the death of her son. I was 13 years older than my little brother and he died when he was 19, also in an auto accident. I couldn't deal with it at the time either. It took me seven years to start doing my grieving, and it was very hard. I was going to therapy and went to an intensive week long grief work shop in another state. I thought I was grieving for one of my dogs that was probably going to die soon and I didn't think I could handle it. It took that week long grief workshop for me to realize why I had brought myself there; it was all about my little brother.
After he died, I cried for a solid week, then went back to playing racquetball not once a day, but twice a day, doing aerobics every day, walking every day with friends in the neighborhood, any sort of exercise I could do. Then I would go into a deep depression on the anniversary of his death each year, but I still wasn't really dealing with it.
His accident was in another state, so a year before I went to the grief workshop, I went to the State Police Dept. in that state and got a copy of his accident report. I waited awhile and found the curvy, country road and knocked on a door, which just happened to be next door to the tree he hit, I had no idea. The lady who answered the door said she and her husband saw the accident, saw the car coming and knew they weren't going to make the curve. She asked me why I was just now coming to ask about it. I told her I hadn't been able to deal with it before, I didn't tell her I still wasn't.
So, the next year I found myself in this workshop, supposedly for my dog, Lily who I did love dearly and I finally figured out why I was really there. I was afraid that my little brother never knew how much I loved him and after that workshop, I know that he does.
missingu, I am so sorry to be so long winded, but I wanted to let you know why grieving is so healthy. Please keep letting your emotions out. I am so sorry you did not get to have her in your life very long. We are here for you on HealingWell. There are probably no words that I can say that could make you feel any better right now.
Please know you are in my prayers,