How to help Hubby....

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Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 99
   Posted 12/11/2007 2:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there!  I have such a long story to tell, but I will try to keep it short.  Really what I want is to gain some understanding as to what he is going through and why he can't just stop.
We have been marrried for almost 21 years.  We both come from religous families, althoguh I had a time in my life where I went kind of wild.  I had partners before him.  This time in my life was brief (a semester at college) and was 25 years ago.  He has always known about it.  He has asked many questions about it over the course of our marriage--he wants to KNOW things.  But it has never been as bad as it has been over the last several months, since he has had some mystery health issues (actually now diagnosed) and slid into a depression.
He has been on percocet for many months; he has tried different depression/anxiety meds (we are still working on this).  He says that he cannot control his thoughts and the questions that come into his mind regarding this time in my life.  I feel almost like I am being mentally abused by his quesitons, his doubts. None of these relationships (actually a bunch of one-night-stands) ever meant squat to me and were not physically satisfying AT ALL.  Yet he has this unsatiable desire to know everything there is to know about this!  He says that it makes him crazy not to know!
Remember, it has come up before and we've had some very meaningful discussions about it.  But never, ever as intense as this! It's  EVERY night when I get home from work!  It's horrible!  Sometimes it lasts for hours.  He says that he can't stop the thoughts....he says he hates it too...he says he wants to stop, doesn't want to hurt me...
I want to help my husband in any way that I can to overcome these demons!  He has seen a counsellor--counsellor says "it happened before she met you it shouldn't matter, you need to get over it".  Well, no kidding Sherlock.....but how do we survive this?
I wonder if it's the meds screwing him up or what....
I wonder if I've made a mistake in allowing these discussion to happen at all....
I wonder how much longer I will keep my sanity through all this....
I wonder what my kids are thinking when they know that Mommy cries so much when she comes home...
I wonder...
thanks for listening

eidited for typos

Learning can only happen when a child is interested.  If he's not interested, it's like throwing marshmallows at his head and calling it eating.  Make him interested!

Post Edited (newcrohnswife) : 12/11/2007 12:26:52 PM (GMT-7)

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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 12/12/2007 7:26 AM (GMT -6)   

hmmm... "You need to get over this" is not a phrase I expect to hear therapists say very often. Shouldnt she be helping him to 'get over it' ? As for the kids: Kids are very perceptive and often adults dont credit them with enough intelligence. Try talking to them about it. Not in gory details but try and find out what they know and try explaining it to them rather than letting their fears fester. "I wonder how much longer I will keep my sanity through all this...." This is the $64,000 question. There is no guarantees on anything. It could be 1 week, 1 month or 1 year. The key is finding the right therapy.

I hope this is helpful to you


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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/12/2007 7:30 AM (GMT -6)   
- T
Wow, yeah sometimes men seem to become obsessive over our past. I am not sure why that b/f tells me he just won't think about what happened before him.
Women get that way too.

I think that your husbands disease is making him very insecure,and for some reason he can't get over that.
I suggest that you both seek marriage counseling. And if needed individual counseling also.

Until then,what I would do is just halt the conversations before it gets out of hand. If you have to tell him you are not going to talk about it any more and then go take a walk....sometimes when someone is told no so many times they finally give up.

Good Luck and please keep us posted.
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I will scream with you,Cry with you and hopefully laugh with you.


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