Posted 11/28/2005 4:45 PM (GMT -7)
Hello everyone. I hope you're all doing well. I'm not today. You know how those days are...there's nothing really wrong, but the world is crashing all around you.
I'll tell you a bit about myself, because sometimes it's nice to know you're not the only one in the world who feels this way.
My name is Amanda. I've been having partial seizures for about 20 years now??? I had my first grand mal seizure in October of 2003. I have been receiving medical attention since May of '04. My meds are Lamictal and Zoloft. I hate taking the medicine because it tastes horrible. I can't keep on a schedule. I will go days at a time without taking it, not on purpose, but because I get caught up in life.
Why am I writing this today? Because I feel like total strangers are the only ones who won't judge me. Yes, my fiancee is incredible, but it can be very overwhelming and confusing for him to understand the emotions. Friends are great too, but no one understands what I go through. They think it is possible to just stop feeling miserable. "You have to think yourself happy," That doesn't always work.
I want to see a seizure. I want to know what my fiancee sees when I fall out. I want to see what my body and mind go through during these times.
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND VIDEO OF A GRAND MAL SEIZURE???
I might be getting ready to lose my medical coverage because of inaddequacies on my part. I'm feeling pretty low and worthless right now. I can't do anything right.
I know these are normal feelings but I don't want them to be. I miss being "normal". I miss going to live music venues (strobe lights). I am feeling lower than I have in a long time and just want to vent it out.
Thank you for letting that happen here. Jen, thank you for being here and supporting all of us. I hope we are there for you when you need it also. Sometimes, when things get so bad, I have to stop and remember that there are people in this world who have things a lot tougher than I do. Then I get angry because I am taking away my right to feel bad.
By the way, I have also been diagnosed as Bi-Polar. Can you tell?
Thanks again for letting me vent all of this here. It's a lot of babble, but it feels good.
Peace, Love and Happiness