hello hello again!
i was just wonering, have any of you had seizures afect your life aside from...well, the obvious? i mean really turn it upside down, almost change you as a person?
i was the wild child i had no fear.....most often discribed as 'a little nuts'! My seizures started back when i was arround 15....i have no idea when they started as i hid them and that time of my life is more than just a bit foggy. at first, thinking it was just alcohol withdrawl, they happent only at night/early morning and aside from the usual painful migrane to follow and some weakness, i bounced right back thiking nothing of it. once i'd been busted and taken to hospital and was told it's more than simple withdrawl, i accepted that, but it never affected me. i'd seize at night and go on my merry way straight up untill i hit about 22. that's when they started to become random.
i'd start getting partials during the day, felt like sheer panic. that's not me, i'm not an anxious person. crowds never bothered me, i thrive in strange environments. but it kept going from there. where once i was cliff diving in mexico, i was now worried to get into a pool for fear something would happen. my seizures, TC, became random, no warning and while i was awake. this left me nearly agoraphobic and housebound for 2 years almost ending my marriage.
they eased up and returned to 'normal'....but i didn't. i used to love to wander off on my own, hitchhicking, backpacking traveling at random...parasailing and white river rafting, now....although i've done all those things since the change and change back, i'm not the same. i'm more guarded and fearful. i refused to go snorkling in venezuela this past january with the rest of my friends, and even got a bit worried about swimming with the dolphins. i was a lifeguard for years, i'm not afraid of the water! i'm definetly not afraid of dolphons! lol but still i was paranoid and scared even with my friends arround me, in a life jacket. now...i worry even about taking my dog for a walk alone some days, like something will happen and she'll get lose and get hurt and i won't be able to do anything about it.
i dunno, i think i gave a pretty good example of who i was, how much i love adventure etc.....and now...i'm fearful. i just keep telling myself, like with the dolphins, lol it doesn't matter, so what if i seize, so i'll drown and die, whatever. that's my security blanket....i'll just die....that's a bit weird no?
i kinda figure if i have to live my life locked up and scared on the sidelines, what's the point.
i just don't quite know how to deal with change, this kind of change. it's my worst nightmare. and it just gets deeper as the years pass.
i suppose i still have quite a good life as compared to some. i do love my job....when i'm working! that's another thing, i can't stand time off. i NEED to be busy and the fact that it's not visible, i feel like, people think i'm faking if i take time to settle the clusters etc, like i should be all or nothing. i still travel quite a bit, and i have gone backpaking in europe alone since the whole change/change back- and i did seize there! hooray for nice hostel workers!
i'm rambling....i'm just trying my best to explain....well...i hate change and this is the worst kind. has anyone had to essencially switch their lives arround to accomidate their brains?!! oh- and i did have to change carreers...thankfully i've managed to find 2 i love and one i can do w/o restrictions....so long as of course, i'm not having a bad spell.
wow i didn't mean for this to be this long! it's not even the tip of the iceburg as far as my frustration goes.