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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 10/10/2006 9:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi to everyone! there is soooo much here that I have in common with you all. The feelings of inferiority, of being an alien, of embarrasment, of dependence and above all, always saying to myself ...... WHY ME? why me? I have had epilepsy since I was 1 year old. They started closer to grandmal seizures and gradually, as the years passed by, it became one "PARTIAL COMPLEX". I always had the hope of outgrowing it - my daddy always said that! confused . After my first birthday, a high fever was the CAUSE of it. I sufferred and have suffered sooo much with such a NEUROLOGICAL disorder>>> for me and for my family. Fear was always there: never alone, no confidence, just pure fear.... if mommy or daddy nor anyone from my family was not there..... WE WERE ALL SCARED>>>> the years went by, more and more, turning 15, next 16 years (all my friends in highschool taking their driver's test, practicing with their parents' car, and excited to turn 16 years old - get their driver's license - and checking out what car to get..... I always felt behind and inferior; always AFRAID of sharing my condition with others (many hear that you have epilepsy and they immediately react in a way that the first thing that they want to do is "GET AWAY FROM YOU", or throw you DOWN, at least that has been my experience).
My grandma always tells me...... In life, everything can be pretty much solved..... you may have this and that (perishable goods, etc.). But overall, if you do not have HEALTH, none of that has WORTH.
Sometimes, I say to myself, my brain does not allow me to be the driver of my life, but at least my brain allows me to use my two(2) legs to walk. However, even though that is enough for oneself, it is not even close to enough to REACH society, especially in a city like the one I live in = HOUSTON, TX.
 It is here where you only see: highways, streets, traffic lights and all in all..... CARS. Moreover, people just TAKE FOR GRANTED the privilege of being able to DRIVE, and even further the CAR itself. But again, you can have money for this to buy but if the brain is not HEALTHY: it has no value. As I always say....
   "YOU don't appreciate what you have, until you LOSE it". In such a city (the 4th largest one in the United States), people just say ...... where did you park your car? you can park your car here......... If you don't have it, you have to INSINCERELY or more because of interests, be liked by that person who can give you a ride just because he/she lives close to you and even worse, what YOU DO has to go in ACCORDANCE to what that other person WANTS TO DO>>> NO FREEDOM.
    When you barely ask for a ride, there are some who may say "SORRY, I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH GAS". When something like that occurs...... I am always "WHY ME, my LORD". The next thing you know, I go to the restroom, change my shoes and sometimes my clothes followed by crossing the street, alone, among many DRIVERS and CARS, I take the BUS and finally, I walk three (3) blocks back home.
   Never did I imagine, that I was going to find LAMICTAL - and I hope I can CONTINUE saying this.... I even got to the point that I was considering BRAIN SURGERY. However, because it was partial complex and it occurred every three(3) or five(5) months and everything else (health-wise) was good (it was just 15 - 30 seconds every now and then).... the doctor always said that it was a RISK not worth taking. However, me..... I was always saying to myself and to my FAMILY....
It is incredible, how such a thing that may not bother you everday but only every three(3) - five (5) months can DRAMATICALLY change your life. Lately, I have been taking LAMICTAL, only LAMICTAL tongue at (200 mg. in the morning and 250 mg. at night). It is incredible how much of a difference LAMICTAL can mean to ME!!! One time, two(2) months ago, I had missed my medication one night (250 mg) and the next day, when I realized it, I took it little by little (100 mg +, in the morning), (50 mg.+ in midday) and (100 mg. + at night). Suddenly, two days after, I had a seizure and was taken to the EMERGENCY ROOM - but again, it was MY fault.
My friends, it is soooo CRITICAL to take your MEDICATION, seriously, (it seems to be a stupid pill>>>> but it CONTROLS my life). Afterwards, my doctor said that if I missed one it is better to take it immediately - in conjunction - with next one vs. playing with it.
I am now EAGER and DESPERATE to be able to take the spot of the lady/gentleman in the driver's seat. Throughout, my whole life, I have always been walking, waiting alone for the bus, seating alone and meanwhile, always looking around with ENVY -- not at the car but at the DRIVER and her/his brain. I have always dreamed of being able to HELP my family, especially my MOMMY and my DADDY, rather than telling them over and over....
   MOMMY can you pick me up?
   DADDY can you give me a ride?
In the United States, except maybe BOSTON or NEW YORK or D.C., if you are an adult and have EPILEPSY, your FREEDOM, your chances to EXPLORE the world, your wants to JOIN the world are severely RESTRICTED or UNATTAINABLE. Again, WHY ME? sometimes, my only alleviation is looking at people with NO LEGS and in a WHEELCHAIR -- at least I can WALK.
Before I found my new doctor and LAMICTAL...... I was in the worst of the worst...
   1. DEPAKOTE in me, about 1500 mg. or so (I don't know how.....) -- no control of seizures, side-effects were terrible, in the middle of college years, but still, that was the only medication at hand...otherwise (BRAIN SURGERY) Next,
   2. MY DADDY died of a HEART ATTACK. Next,
   3. I had no other choice but to come to HOUSTON, TX (an alien city for me: never have I lived in this city. A city where WALKING is not ACCEPTED by society = meaning EPILEPTIC people are not ALLOWED....
   4. No school, just INCOMPLETES --- from my last semester in my college.
            I PRAY for COMPASSION and kind words of ADVICE to live a better life with EPILEPSY...
Pray for me, that I can continue saying "THANK YOU LAMICTAL", as long as I take it every MORNING and NIGHT.....
TAKE CARE you all. There is nothing more important than your HEALTH!!! eating right, exercises, medications, sleeping, reduced stress (even more for us -- EPILEPTIC), not smoking, and LAUGHING ,truly, is also WONDERFUL for your own health.... yours and your loved ones.
WE may always complain about the job, the bills, the perishable goods (including cars) we see and wish we could buy, the entertaining places we see many people go to and wish we could afford to go to, etc., etc. But nothing beats your
HEALTH!!! Don't allow the Emergency Room to let you see that!!!
give always thanks for your health and that of your family/friends. It is incredible how badly life can change if this is at stake.... I tell you by experience..... how badly life changed after my daddy's HEART brought him to the tomb sad sad sad
Edited red font color only.  Red can cause seizures for some people

Post Edited By Moderator (HALO) : 10/25/2006 3:05:52 AM (GMT-6)

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/11/2006 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   
my dad just died recently , its very painful, your in grieving along as you are trying to maintain your health. (()))

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/11/2006 2:44 PM (GMT -7)   
and i wanted to say I am sorry about your frustration about driving, I was lucky , I got to have that freedom of driving for awhile, I loved it. we can try and be positive that one day that maybe we could be seizure free and get our wonderful drivers liscense back. ??? who knows, we can always hope,.: )

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/12/2006 9:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Caroleena,

I read your story and can relate to alot of the thoughts and feelings that you are going through right now. Its not easy and the road can be rough sometimes. May I offer some thoughts.

I remember how I felt when my friends were all getting their drivers licences. I felt like I was missing out on a right of passage in life and I missed the car that drove by. Like you I just wanted to fit in.

My closest friends knew I had epilepsy. One "friend" couldn't handle it. So I just said "the heck with you" and moved on. You really learn who your friends are and who are not. If they can't handle it they aren't worth having as friends. I also found educating your friends about what to do in case of a seizure was helpful. It even saved my life once.

Sports was a salvation for me. It relieved alot of stress. If you are able to, take up a sport.

I can remember back then questioning the existence of God in all of this. I kept saying to Him. "What did I do to you to deserve this?" I know its sounds rather selfish but this teenager/twentysomething year old at the time wanted some answers and I couldn't find them. It took me awhile to reconcile that in my life but I was able to.

Epilepsy was a card that was dealt to me in life. How I played that card was up to me. I understand the feelings of dependence can drag you down. It broke down my marriage. But look at it this way. You can be independent. Take advantage of your strong feet, the transit system in your city and the kindness of friends and relatives.

I like your attitude regarding taking your meds, That is so important. I take Lamictol and it has helped me along with topomax. Hopefully, you have found what it takes to get a handle on your seizures


Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 3199
   Posted 10/12/2006 1:17 PM (GMT -7)   
hey Caroleena, how are you doing?
Confirmed Diagnosis of - Psoriatic Arthritis/Spondylitis/Graves Disease/GERD/Scoliosis/Hiatal Hernia/Graves Disease of the Eyes/Chronic UTIs
Current Meds -  Enbrel/Prevacid/Synthroid/Nitrofurantoin
Past Meds - Inderal/PTU/Prednisone/Voltaren/Feldene/Mobic/Cortisone and Steroid Shots
Additional Supplements - Multi-Vitamin/Bromelian/Acidophilus/Green Tea
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