Thanx so much 1st for enduring that post til the end lol I know I am long winded once my brain gets to thinking. Second I just want to thank you for the words of support and wisdom. I know there have been times I have replyed to posts and thought ya right like this is going to help any but for me at least I do read all replies and I do try to really get something positive out of those replies. I might not always like that some ppl get stern with me and put it in my face what I dont want to hear but most of the time they are right and I do need to take a step back because I tend to get ahead of the game and over think the end result.
I had also wrote a letter to my Aunt Patti with much of the same things I had said here and I know that there is a chance that Jay would read it as he has done before,one time with horrible results. This time I told him he was more then welcome to read it because I think that when he see's how I feel in writing sometimes that hits home faster then me just trying to tell him how I feel. Jayson seems to have this feeling of impending doom where our romance is concerned too. He feels my lack of contentment and thinks I dont want to be with him anymore but he needs to think about why I would feel that way and make the changes in himself to never give me reason to want to leave. I am going to keep working on myself and as far as Jays weight gain is concerned he has asked me for help and said he would respect my guidence,so maybe that is a start to having him trust my opinions on other things as well.
My mom hasnt been calling me nearly as much as before and that part is good. What concerns me with her is that the errands and chores I was doing allthe time for her still arent getting done so it might take some prodding from me to get her moving in the right direction. She really needs to be out walking for her health as she is having severe vascular issues with her legs and her low back is pretty trashed with atrophy and walking is what is best for her. I had left it up to her to contact me when she was ready for walks but it is clear tome that she is never going to get to that place where she can make that step on her own soI will have to set up times and days to take her with me even if I have to lie to her as in I need her opinion on something I want to buy. Anything to get her out of that apartment and moving. Who knows maybe we will both enjoy the outtings, I know that I always feel better.
Pacing myself is something that I deffinatly need to work on though. Once I get into tackling a task it is vry hard for me to put it down and walk away to finish it another day. I think what I am afraid of is that it takes so long to get up the energy to even start that who knows how long it will be before I can finish it if I stop half way through. It is true that so many of us fibro's are overachievers and anal about having things done and in place. It makes me crazy to have a rug crooked or dishes left in the sink. And my plants outside are really making me stress,lately it has been a chore just to get everything watered on time let alone be out there transplanting and deadheading and I only have about 1/4 of what I did last year. Ppl have told me that when telling someone where they live to have them look for the house with all the flowers but not anymore. They ask so whats the deal? dont I like plants and flowers anymore? but when I tried to explain why I havent doen as much they say "Oh but you look just fine, you dont look sick" ahhhhhhhh that famous comment. I tell ppl to imagine seeing someone who was in a bad accident and covered in bruises and bandages,as soon as I get that mental picture in their heads I then say now imagine how much that would hurt and tell them that is how I feel most days cept I dont have the bruise or bandages to show for it. Some ppl give me a totally clueless look and I know that I have lost them but a few itslike a light bulb goes off in their brain and they go "ohhhhhhhh I get it,how terrible for you". I tell them not all days are that bad but if they see me walking slow or bent over it is a pretty clear clue to how I am feeling that day,that and If I am being very quiet is when I am in pain or shoudl I say more pain cause the pain is always there.
There was this one day that our slumlord landlord was driving by me in the parking lot and she stopped and asked if I had been in an accident cause I was so hunched and walking so slowly. I told her um nope this is pretty much what is left of me after falling down the stairs in your rental,you know the ones? ya the ones that put me on permenant dissability! the ones that need to be re-carpeted but still arent? that shut her up. Still she doesnt do squat for us. She said once that she doesnt do any upgrades on these apartments so as to keep the rent low for "you people" like we are the lowest form of humans,the lowly renters. I said we arent asking for upgrades just upkeep and its a big difference but we are pretty much on out own as for as that goes
And she still raises the rent! 40 bucks recently with no changes to the apartment.
And stuck to move because now I have lost my reg income and dont meet the criteria for a new renter in a better building where most require you to make 3 times the rent. Jay could move whereever he wanted to but I couldnt go with him so he stays here and puts up with this bullcrap with me. I would love to move and not have to climb stairs anymore. Most nights I stand at the bottom and wonder how can I get up there again? its a slow and painful climb everytime. Part of why I hurt so much some days. Anyways I have blabbed on yet again sheesh! Thank you both so much for your time and caring. I appreciate it more then you can imagine.
Mom of one gramma to 4
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain