Well I finally gave in and did it

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 7/31/2008 1:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Last night I started on the Prozac that has been sitting in the medicine cupboard for the last month.  I tried to get on Cymbalta but was denied by ins because I guess with it costing too much they wanted my doctor to have tried me on something cheaper first.  I have been fighting getting back on anti-deppesents for some time now.  I did take Paxil about 8 years ago right after I moved here and in with Jayson.  I was in the middle of a bad divorce from a vicious man who had torn my world apart.  It took me about 2 years of constant random beatings and mental abuse that had brought my self esteem down to zero to get mad enough to file for divorce after 13 years to begin with.  I met Jayson online 2 days after I filed but I got stuck living with the soon to be ex for 4 months while a home owners loan went through so I would have the money to move out.
I thought at first that I could handle all the pressures of that divorce and the abuse that I had lived with for so long.  I felt strong or so I thought and happy with Jay.  But I was plagued with nightmares and slowly all those harsh words that had been spoken to me began to creep back into my mind and once again I felt like everything was slipping away.  I started to pick fights with Jay.  Looking for physical confrontations.  I didnt know how to have a peaceful existance anymore and I just knew that sooner or later Jayson would show his "true" colors and start hitting me so I figured why not find out now by pushing his buttons?  But he never took the bait and then I turned all that anger onto myself.  I would go out late at night walking and wandering around for hours and when I was home I was violent and would smash things to vent any frustrations I was feeling.  I knew I was headed for serious trouble when I started to self mutilate again as I did at the end of my marriage.  So I got on the Paxil and it sure took me down a notch or 2.
I was so calm that I was falling asleep all during the day and couldnt even have a conversation without nodding off.  I had some therapy along with the medication and finally understood why I was doing the things to hurt me but I continued taking the Paxil for several years untilI just couldnt get anything done anymore.  I didnt have the feeling of panic,flight or fight as my councelor called it anymore and Jay and I were doing well.  I couldnt beleive he had stuck around with me being so out of control.  So I was off the meds for some time but with all the stress I have been dealing with specially these last few months managing my mothers care and dealing with other family members while trying to keep everything together after the fibro dx I found alot of that old anger coming back and feeling like I didnt know which direction to go.  I was not sleeping well,partly because of pain but some of the old nightmares had come back and I was snapping at ppl during the day and losing all interest in doing anything really.  The whole lack of joy thing.  So I talked to my doctor about it.
I knew I had to do something.  Hear I waspreaching to my mom about getting on something because of her deppression and I wasnt managing my own all that well.  I dont know what I am afraid of.  Partly I dont want to feel a complete lack of emotion like I did with the Paxil and with all the horror stories about Prozac in years past I am afraid of the unknown.  But I remembered last night something I had said to my mom.  I had asked her"what are you so afraid of? being happy for the first time in your life?joining the human race?"  Maybe I am afraid that with Jayson being as moody as he is that if I all the sudden felt all happy and uplifted that he would no longer fit into my life.  Jayson has had trouble with clinical deppression most of his life and has no insurance but even if it meant going through a free clinic he said he would not go backon medication and that he can handle stuff himself.  He says that he is happy but he sure doesnt seem like it most days.  He can be withdrawn and very quiet and unless he has the money to go out and buy some new "toy" to keep him occupied he gets bored very easy and moody.
Jayson has been through a lot in his life but has never really pursued getting to the bottom of why he feels so sad and down at times.  I know that I did get into a serious romance way to soon after that horrible marriage but could I ever be strong enough to walk away from yet another unhealthy relasionship if things dont change for him too as I feel better and stronger?  Jay is good hearted and can be kind but he is also very negative most of the time and super sarcastic.  I know that he loves me very much but he is not interested in outside realasionships or the need to even have a friend.  He is very outgoing at work but other then that he is close to noone exept me and it can be a rather heavy responsibility on my part to be everything to one person.  I am very much the extrovert when I am feeling like myself and when my ex and I were getting along before drugs and alcohol took him over we were very active in doing things with family and friends.  When there are any family get togethers Jay might make a brief appearence but then bows out and goes home alone.  He is not comfortable in situations where there are alot of ppl around and I love it.  I have no problem just jumping into a conversation with new ppl and I think that is part of my deppresion right now is no social activities outside of family.
So how does a relasionship make it when one person is an introvert and the other an extrovert?  Jay is the least social person I have ever been with.  I used to feel so guilty even going to spend a weekend with my daughter or brother and felt like I was abandoning Jay but he never wanted to go along with me and can bea bit of a bummer when he is with us cause he is so quiet and just is waiting for me to "get done" and come home.  I guess I have a lot to think about.  First I hope that the Prozac helps me get back to being myself again and I can learn to handle all this stress more and get a better outlook with all my health and pain problems.  Right now I just feel like everything is so hopeless and I feel dispair so much of the time.  I want Jay to feel better too but did learn in my last marriage that you cant "fix" someone.  It is up to them ultimately to be the best person they can be.  I am afraid that Jay has no desire to be anything more then he is right now and I dont think that is enough for me. I think who else would want me with all the health problems I have and the family issues I am dealing with and Jay has been supportive for me and comforting too and is now helping out around the house way more too so I know he wants to please me.  Is it fair of me to want so much more from him?  I want us to do things together and be a couple outside of it just being us.Maybe I just need to fullfill my social needs alone and let Jay be Jay but he seems so sad most times and I get the feeling that he wishes he could be the person that I want him to be but its just too hard for him and he has given up on himself.  I want him to live not just exist,to find joy in life itself.  I just love him so much but for now I have to find my place int his world and maybe the rest will come later.  I hope so.  I dont even know if anyone has the patience to finish reading this post but I needed to get it out all the same.
Mom of one gramma to 4
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain

Sera Smiles
Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 671
   Posted 7/31/2008 1:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Karen- you posted some very important thoughts and feelings and I am glad you did. You expressed some extremely important issues in your life and I would like to comment, if thats ok. I am not a counselor, but I am a social worker and I know from my experiences that you are on the very edge of a sane and joyful life, because you are being assertive in your posts about your mother, jay, etc. You said in your post that you need tofind your place in Jay's world. I would like to suggest that you work to find your place in YOUR world first. Perhaps as you get stronger, Jay will be more dependent on you, since you are seeming stronger and he may feel threatened, and behave in a way that he thinks will transfer his responsibility of finding his own joy onto you. Don't respond to that by taking it on yourself to help him feel more secure in his life. Love him, care for him, but don't take on his responsibility. Just as you are assuming responsibility for your life, he must do the same. I hope you will continue to maintain your boundaries from your mother, as difficult as it can be. I am proud of you for taking that step to distance yourself from her constant needs and rejection of your needs. Karen- your needs in this life are very important, and deserve to be honored. I am proud of you for taking the prozac. You have made a great step forward! Just as you did, Jay needs to make his own decisons about medication. He has the right to makie that choice. If his behavior becomes more of a burden to you, then his decision impacts you negatively and that puts you in the place of having the right to make a decision, as well. Focus on you and believe in the progress you are making. Try not to give in to the old routine of taking care of everyone else at the expense of yourself.
"Its never too late to be who you might have been" George Eliot

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/31/2008 4:07 PM (GMT -6)   

I just wanted to say that you are welcome to post on the depression forum. I am a moderator there and I can say that the members are wonderful and you would get a lot of opinions and advice. Not that you wouldn't here, but I wonder if some of your posts would do good over there. Just to let you know that you are welcome to join on the depression forum.

I agree with Sera, I think that you should work on yourself first before you try to figure out Jay. He may just be comfortable around less people than you. You can always find social functions that you can join in on. Maybe even by volunteering somewhere. Just because the two of you are different in that way, doesn't mean you both can't be happy together. Neither one of you should have to change the way that you interact with other people.

Best wishes to you
hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 8/1/2008 12:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanx so much 1st for enduring that post til the end lol I know I am long winded once my brain gets to thinking.  Second I just want to thank you for the words of support and wisdom.  I know there have been times I have replyed to posts and thought ya right like this is going to help any but for me at least I do read all replies and I do try to really get something positive out of those replies.  I might not always like that some ppl get stern with me and put it in my face what I dont want to hear but most of the time they are right and I do need to take a step back because I tend to get ahead of the game and over think the end result.
I had also wrote a letter to my Aunt Patti with much of the same things I had said here and I know that there is a chance that Jay would read it as he has done before,one time with horrible results.  This time I told him he was more then welcome to read it because I think that when he see's how I feel in writing sometimes that hits home faster then me just trying to tell him how I feel.  Jayson seems to have this feeling of impending doom where our romance is concerned too.  He feels my lack of contentment and thinks I dont want to be with him anymore but he needs to think about why I would feel that way and make the changes in himself to never give me reason to want to leave.  I am going to keep working on myself and as far as Jays weight gain is concerned he has asked me for help and said he would respect my guidence,so maybe that is a start to having him trust my opinions on other things as well.
My mom hasnt been calling me nearly as much as before and that part is good.  What concerns me with her is that the errands and chores I was doing allthe time for her still arent getting done so it might take some prodding from me to get her moving in the right direction. She really needs to be out walking for her health as she is having severe vascular issues with her legs and her low back is pretty trashed with atrophy and walking is what is best for her.  I had left it up to her to contact me when she was ready for walks but it is clear tome that she is never going to get to that place where she can make that step on her own soI will have to set up times and days to take her with me even if I have to lie to her as in I need her opinion on something I want to buy.  Anything to get her out of that apartment and moving.  Who knows maybe we will both enjoy the outtings, I know that I always feel better.
Pacing myself is something that I deffinatly need to work on though.  Once I get into tackling a task it is vry hard for me to put it down and walk away to finish it another day.  I think what I am afraid of is that it takes so long to get up the energy to even start that who knows how long it will be before I can finish it if I stop half way through.  It is true that so many of us fibro's are overachievers and anal about having things done and in place.  It makes me crazy to have a rug crooked or dishes left in the sink.  And my plants outside are really making me stress,lately it has been a chore just to get everything watered on time let alone be out there transplanting and deadheading and I only have about 1/4 of what I did last year.  Ppl have told me that when telling someone where they live to have them look for the house with all the flowers but not anymore.  They ask so whats the deal? dont I like plants and flowers anymore? but when I tried to explain why I havent doen as much they say "Oh but you look just fine, you dont look sick"  ahhhhhhhh that famous comment.  I tell ppl to imagine seeing someone who was in a bad accident and covered in bruises and bandages,as soon as I get that mental picture in their heads I then say now imagine how much that would hurt and tell them that is how I feel most days cept I dont have the bruise or bandages to show for it.  Some ppl give me a totally clueless look and I know that I have lost them but a few itslike a light bulb goes off in their brain and they go "ohhhhhhhh I get it,how terrible for you".  I tell them not all days are that bad but if they see me walking slow or bent over it is a pretty clear clue to how I am feeling that day,that and If I am being very quiet is when I am in pain or shoudl I say more pain cause the pain is always there.
There was this one day that our slumlord landlord was driving by me in the parking lot and she stopped and asked if I had been in an accident cause I was so hunched and walking so slowly.  I told her um nope this is pretty much what is left of me after falling down the stairs in your rental,you know the ones? ya the ones that put me on permenant dissability! the ones that need to be re-carpeted but still arent?  that shut her up.  Still she doesnt do squat for us.  She said once that she doesnt do any upgrades on these apartments so as to keep the rent low for "you people" like we are the lowest form of humans,the lowly renters.  I said we arent asking for upgrades just upkeep and its a big difference but we are pretty much on out own as for as that goes
And she still raises the rent!  40 bucks recently with no changes to the apartment.
 And stuck to move because now I have lost my reg income and dont meet the criteria for a new renter in a better building where most require you to make 3 times the rent.  Jay could move whereever he wanted to but I couldnt go with him so he stays here and puts up with this bullcrap with me.  I would love to move and not have to climb stairs anymore.  Most nights I stand at the bottom and wonder how can I get up there again?  its a slow and painful climb everytime.  Part of why I hurt so much some days.  Anyways I have blabbed on yet again sheesh!  Thank you both so much for your time and caring.  I appreciate it more then you can imagine.
Soft Hugs,
Mom of one gramma to 4
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain

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