Your two best buds call and think you will feel better if you power walk with them through a 500,000 square foot mall you:
1. laugh so hard you pee your pants a little
2. tell them your husband has Outer Mongolian Swamp Fever and he cannot be left alone
3. tell them you have finally managed to lose every pair of shoes you own and you aren't allowed to walk in the mall barefooted
4. tell them the truth...that you'd rather roll naked in a mound of screaming hot red ants then walk through a mall.
You have once again locked your keys in the car after dashing across the street to get a newspaper. You:
1. Pick up a huge rock and chuck it through the window. That's why god invented comprehensive auto insurance
2. You sit on the curb crying "help me...help me...I'm a fibromite". Motorists pass by and don't know what a fibro mite is and toss you their lose change as they think you must be homeless and blind.
3. You hire six street thugs to push your car home, which is only a mile away in exchange for a case of Molsons and a box of Cheetos.
4. You hobble and gimp the mile home yourself, draw a hot bath, pop about six Advil then send the hubby for the vehicle. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!
You drive to the store for one item, a loaf of bread. You:
1. stand in the entrance to the store and are totally ticked because they have moved all the merchandise around yet again.
2. there doesn't seem to be any carts so you leave
3. you have a major panic attack because NOTHING looks familiar and where's the food?
4. You hop on a John Deere tractor and have a melt down because you are in Sears
You DD is getting married and wants the mother of the bride to wear an 80 pound gold lamee dress. You tell her:
1. Are you ^@$&% serious?
2. What do you think I am, a *&$#@ pack mule?
3. Gold lamee in August? Not in my lifetime
4. You agree to at least try on the dress, drop to the floor, crack both knees and scream for a morphine patch
You have been abducted by aliens and they want your fibro-blood to inject into their enemies from the planet Zorcon. You:
1. look around the mother ship, see that it looks rather comfy and organized and agree to give them all the blood they want if they will take you with them
2. tell them they can have your blood if they can find a vein that hasn't collapsed
3. tell them to put some clothes on immediately or you won't agree to anything, as you feel yourself getting a tiny bit 'turned on'.
4. tell the one with the head the size of a hassock to 'pull your finger.' Fibro gas is deadly and while they are all choking, run like the wind!
The hubby decides to stimulate your fibro brain, by lecturing you on the five dimensions of inner dementional space.
1. You discover it IS possible to sleep for two hours with your eyes open
2. you tell him you already experienced the five dimensions of inner space at Woodstock
3. while is is blabbering, you wonder if it would kill you to eat three bags of chocolate chips
4. you thank him for the lecture, then take out your 'everything over $5000' catalog and make him look at handbags and shoes for three hours.
You are driving to your sister's house on a route you have taken many times before. On the radio is a song by Rusty Ice Pick who is screaming something about whacking up his old lady with a hatchet. Everytime you try to turn the stupid thing off, the windshield wipers go on, or the head lights. But now you are lost. You:
1. Stop the car where a man with a bad hair drape and a tee shirt that reads 'I'm with Stupid' is weed whacking his ditch, and ask how you get back to the highway. He shrugs his shoulders and says "what highway?"
2. You call your sister to tell her you will be late. On the other end you hear what sounds like a fraternity party and realize you have forgotten her number.
3. You throw the stupid, useless cell phone out of the car and back over it about ten times.
4. You turn around, see a bar called The last Resort, go inside and scarf down some jello shooters with some Harley Boys.
The answers to this quiz will be in next weeks Wall Street Journal on page 45.
I got none of them right! Where am I? Where's all my %$^&^ shoes?