So afraid I won't be able to handle it.....

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 1/13/2009 12:16 PM (GMT -7)   
My daughter is having surgery on Febuary 23 rd.  I just talked to her and she will need me to stay at her home for 5 days to care for her children and basically run the house while her hubby is there.  Most of you know the my SIL and I knock heads and the only time I am at their house is when my daughter is home and running the show and I have never spent the night with him there.  Barb is having cosmetic surgery as in getting her breasts done and they will be going under her armpits but still very painful and NO lifting for at least a week over 5 pounds.  One of my grandkids is special needs and has tube feeds and many medications through her tube.  It is also a nightmare at least one day a week when we try to get her to poop including manual removel of the feces.
I will have to have the 2 older kids up and ready and on the bus by 8am each morning and I will have to have lil kirsten ready for her special bus by 7:45 each morning.  There will be a nurse there to help with Kirsten.  Then I have to have Danielle ready for her PM kindergarten bus by 12pm and all the older kids will be home by 4pm and a nieghbor will drop them off at home by 4:15 at which time I have to make sure homework gets started and snacks are given out and dinner started.  After dinner its baths for all and finish homework and and playtime and in bed by 8:30 and then time to clean house and do laundry and get things ready for the next morning.  This and I am a terrible insomniac who alot of times doesnt fall asleep till 3 or 4 am and I will have to be up by 6 am.  Barbs hubby will be home but he doesnt do any of the kid stuff and he will be working himself so it will all be on me with Barb only available to ask questions.
I have never had to do this before.  Even when I took care of the older kids during preemie births I didnt have a baby to care for and even at 3 yrs old Kirsten is still very much a baby with her special needs.  I am terrified of not being able to keep up and omg the pain that will come scares the hell out of me but Barb has noone else.  It pisses me off that her husband cant just step in for all of this but there is no way.  I know their house better then he does and as for counting on him to have the kids ready for anything no wayyyy.  As it is after I go home Barb will have to be living in a pigsty for weeks until she can get back to cleaning cause I know her hubby wont be doing it. I will probably have to come a few days a week to clean for her.  I am still shocked that he is taking her to have this surgery done and they will be staying at a special hotel overnight with a nurse there for my daughter ..........oh yeah and I will also be taking care of my daughter too,changing her bandages and bringing her food and helping her bathe omgggggggggggg this is tooooo much!!!!! but what can I do? no other family member to help not unless I could get my brother to help like 1 day but then again probably not because he takes care of his grandson and I doubt that the kids mom would actually step in to take care of her own kid for a few days and with her work schedule it probably would not work.  I am having a major panick attack here oh and this is right before refills on my meds so no extra to be able to take when I hurt more.  The sleep thing will be the hardest as just when some kids leave there is always another to get ready so no naps either.  I always said I didnt know how my daughter did all of this but I guess I am about to find out and doing my granddaughters tube freaks me completely out!!!!!  I am going to be resposible for all the babys meds and feedings when the nurse isnt there and there is no way I will be able to remember stuff I will have to ask my daughter every time since writing it all down will be too confusing for me arggggggggggggggggg I am scared!!!!!!!!!! 

Mom of one gramma to 4 lover to One
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain,nerve damage due to botched bladder surgery,torn hip joint,hypoglycymic
Norco(double strength vicodin) 80 to 100 mg @ day
Ms Contin(morphine) 45 mg @ day,Lyrica 600mg @ day

Post Edited (QTKaren) : 1/13/2009 12:43:55 PM (GMT-7)

MT Lady
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 969
   Posted 1/13/2009 1:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Karen,
I really feel for you. All I can think of is, if there is any way you can afford to, maybe get some help to come in? At least to do the cleaning, even when you are there? You will have more than your share to do, with the kids and your daughter than to worry about cleaning the house. And, what about bringing dinner in instead of cooking it? Maybe asking a friend to help with the cooking? I just cannot imagine having to have all those responsiblities, along with less than 3 hours of sleep, and the pain. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this.
gentle hugs,

Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, back problems, hypothyroidism.

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 257
   Posted 1/13/2009 2:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree with Miriam: does your daughter have any friends, or maybe a church family that would come help out? Do you?? Does their insurance provide for home health care for your daughter's aftercare? Do they have any babysitters/high school students that they use? You could have them help with homework and getting kids ready for bed. Church families are great for bringing in food, and I've even had folks come and clean for me.

Try not to waste energy being angry with SIL. You certainly have a right to be. Just do what you need to do discounting him completely, knowing that you are blessing your daughter hugely.

She is worth some extra pain on your part, right?

You'll get through it - I know you'll be so glad to be on the other side of it - please hang in there.
Still learning how to manage my Fibromylagia, and all the lovely gifts it brings.   
I had severe spinal stenosis, had fusion done on C5-7, and my life has changed. 

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 376
   Posted 1/13/2009 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh wow. I can so relate to your situation. I have a severely handicapped boy who has been tube fed since he was 5 weeks old (24 now). Plus meds and all. I really think I'm not competent at this moment to track all his treatments. He lives with my former spouse.

I feel brain fogged right now. Please excuse me if this doesn't come out exactly right or I certainly don't mean to be abrupt.

Basically .... I feel like you're being the rescuer here. Everyone is comfortable with your being in that role. They are in a rut and won't change it until they have to.

I know what's it like when there's just not enough of "me" to go around. There doesn't seem to be a decision that will make you totally happy. What I eventually found was -

if I say "no", I feel guilty for 15 min. but end up with a situation I can handle.

if I say "yes", I feel good for 15 min. but then have a bad situation for several days.

hehe .... they are adults right? I've told the kids (we're 58 with grandkids), "It's time now for us to turn this over to the next generation coming along. You're in better shape to deal with things now than we are."

The only way to change the pattern is to just say "no". If you'll do it, I think you'll find that they will work it out. They will find a way.

On days when you're feeling better, you can and will do more right? But there are days when you can't help out.

One of the really bad problems though is I can't predict one day how I'll be feeling the next.

Hope some of this helps. I understand what it's like.

Guess I can't really do much except send *hugs* for emotional support.

sorry, there seems to be something wrong with the font.  I pasted this from word pad.  Just right now I can't figure out how to fix it.  Maybe I can later.

Lyme, anxitey, depression, chronic C. Pnuemoniae

Post Edited (Agmaar) : 1/13/2009 2:09:14 PM (GMT-7)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 1014
   Posted 1/13/2009 3:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Karen,
I agree with Miriam & Julie. See if there's a way to get some help with this.
Here's my 2 cents. This is elective surgery. Its not like her life depends on it, right? She needs to think about getting someone in there to help you. If this is something that could be postponed until you can workout a helper schedule that would be best for everyone involved.
God bless you, Karen. I know I couldn't handle it.
Warm hugs,
Fibormyalgia, 4x Lyme Disease Survivor, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia, 2 Lumbar Disk Herniations, Allergies, Heart Disease, Bi-lateral Carpel Tunnel.  (Still being tested for other disorders/or whatevers).

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 519
   Posted 1/13/2009 10:19 PM (GMT -7)   

I agree with what the others said. Try to get a couple friends to come in and help. Maybe a friend of your's and if your daughter has some friends that she can line up before the surgery. I don't blame you for freeking out right now. I would be too, but I always find out in the end that everything works itself out.

Alot of my friends/family's hubbys are just like your son-in-law, but that doesn't mean he can't step in and help out with a few things. Maybe, make him in charge of dinner? He can stop and bring dinner home after work each evening. Nothing wrong with eating takeout for a week. If not, I'm sure there are many other things he can help with!

I will pray that everything goes o.k. for you. Just stay strong and you will get thru it. It is a very nice thing you are doing for your daughter and family.

Hugs!!   Margie

Never regret something that made you smile!

Fibromyalgia*Osteoarthritis Of Spine*Sleep Apnea*RLS * Depression*Chronic Fatigue*Allergy/Sinus*Menopause

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