Posted 1/21/2009 1:02 PM (GMT -7)
Oh boy, Tricia! I've heard this story before. All I can say is it's pretty crummy.
First of all, stop blaming yourself. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are living with chronic pain and fatigue but yet are running a household and working to boot! So what if you need a nap! He needed a boat and that cost a lot more than a few moments of sleep! And only ten pounds overweight? I was ten pounds overweight within the first three months of my marriage! So, please don't blame yourself. You are a good, loyal person. This isn't really about you.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that your husband hasn't been loyal. But, he probably is suffering from some depression. As men get older many of them just can't age gracefully. They see their "machoism" heading out the door. They look at their life and realize it's "passing them by." Yeah, I don't get it either. We women see the same thing but we also value our investment in our marriages. Anyway, men are just so different. Try to understand where he is coming from.
You don't hate him either. I'm sorry you got angry and said that. That can make matters worse. I know I'd apologize for saying that. You don't hate him but you hate what he said to you and how it made you feel. You acted out in anger...hence saying what you said.
He is attracted to you or he wouldn't have married you in the first place. After all, he'd been married before so he had a better idea what he was looking for and you fit the bill. But, this is depression, I believe, caused by his "midlife" evaluation. Men seem to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. We all know that isn't true.
It's so difficult because we reach an age where we start going in different directions. The key is to let your spouse know where you are headed so that you both can go there together. If they don't want to go in that direction, find a direction that is pleasing to both of you. Marriage is work...there is no doubt about it. You have to let the ego go and work together...both of you.
Two people from different backgrounds are never alike. Even twins are not alike. We all have differences with our spouses. The key is to work together and have the give and take. You are probably doing that already but your husband wants more "take" than "give". Remember that no one is perfect. There are things that he does that probably irritate you but you have been able to overlook them. He probably will tell you of things you do that irritate him. You both have to work together to come together in the middle.
If I were you I would just keep working with him. Let him know you love him and I think you will also find out more of what is going on during the counseling sessions. Continue with your job, your running the household, and even your naps! The "normalcy" will be comforting to your children. Don't starve yourself for him, either. If YOU want to lose the weight, do it in a sensible manner..just for yourself. If he sees that you are jumping through hoops for him, more "demands" could be made. It's good to try to change things that bother each other but that is a two way street...not one way/one person only. If he starts an argument, look pleasant and confident and tell him you are not open to that. That when he calms down, you will be more than willing to sit down and have a level-headed discussion with him. Be in control of yourself and show confidence. If he values the marriage he will be willing to work with you to come to a happy medium.
It kind of sounds like he is in the "me-me" mode. He's only thinking of himself. I'm sure he hasn't been Prince Charming all of those years, either. I think you'll find out more in the counseling that will help you too. It's a good sign that he's even willing to do that! If he really didn't care, a team of wild horses wouldn't be able to drag him to a counselor if he's like most men I have known. So, stay strong, confident, and in control of yourself. He won't know what to do! He probably expects you to absolutely fall apart without him. That won't happen and the strength will probably be very attractive to him. Hope this helps. I'm not a counselor. I'm just voicing my opinion and what I would do in this situation.
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Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7