I have been pretty secluded the past few days... I even sat outside yesterday, kind of chilly out, but the sun come out some so I sat on the dry ground in the sun, hoping to soak some up! lol Thats sad! Anyways, I cant seem to understand how if this is a normal thing to go through how people are even functioning. I am constently thinking about
it. I see SO many people around me and feel like Im in an invisible bubble. I really feel like they cant see me and that Im not "a part of them"...If this is normal...how do people do it??
Im seriously thinking about
the art thing! I looked at the website for the institute and its very interesting. Im seriously considering graphic design because I love to draw weird things and it would be SO cool to design graphics for logos, or movie covers, or posters, or even shirts! Any of it would be really cool. Im learning to use Photoshop and edit things into an amazing picture. Maybe I will put a link to some of my work when I get done, I could use some outside opinions! lol But, Im considering going to school here for my basics and then go to the Art Institute and get a bachelors degree in graphic design..But its hard for me to give up my dream of becoming a doctor/surgeon....
Anyways, Im almost excited about
it! Im really creative and it would be great to learn more things and be able to creative more! ...
But, back to the important thing.... Im not sure what to do.. Im going to try to mention the counseling thing to my mom.. I think that if I went it would be good because I feel like I would be able to tell my story to someone and see what she says...and get some help.. I feel like Im in need of help. Just not sure how to get it. Im feeling alone, as yall know, and like Im not apart of the world. Im just here..and I have been having thoughts... the bad kind. ......I've had a few slip ups also.... I dont want to go through this stuff again..Hiding everything or being in my own prison. I dont want to make stupid decisions based on how I feel. I know Im better than that, but I cant help it...
Im not wrong am I..? I should want to get help right... I just cant do this all over again. I cant hide myself. I cant imprison myself again. I cant repeatedly hurt myself. I just cant... You can see how it is stressing me out. Im not so focused on school right now. I sit and listen to the people around me and think about
how they are apart of the world and I am not. I try to think of a way to describe how I feel. I havent been successful. I just sit and feel things. And think. And draw things out.(the drawing I like! lol) But, you get my point...
Thanks for everything you guys have said. I felt a bit better seeing your posts and knowing someone cares. Even if I dont know you guys in "real life"...you all mean very much to me. Still havent found my "chi"! lol But, Im searching!
Lyrica and Paxil (both working quite well might I add!)
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to
smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."