Famous Doctor Explains Fibro...Dr. Poindexter Jackhammer

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Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2858
   Posted 3/28/2009 6:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Reporters and fibromyalgia sufferers gather at the Civic Center in Memphis Tennesee for a comprehensive lecture on this strange and dibilitating disorder by Dr. Poindexter Jackhammer.  He receives a standing ovation as he walks to the podium and the questions begin.
Reporter:  Please Dr. Jackhammer, give us your credentials.
Dr. J.:  Gladly.  I am head of Rheumatology, gynocology and the snack bar at St. Elvis Hospital right here in Memphis.  I enjoy break dancing, birdwatching and occasionally help my wife demonstrate Mary Kay cosmetics on week-ends.  Besides a degree in medicine, I have an MBA, PhD, and three associates degrees in cosmotology.
Reporter.  Oh.  Well...could you please explain fibromyalgia to use in layman terms to we might understand what these people experience on a daily basis?
Dr. J.:  Certainly.  Fibromyalgia is a riddle with in a riddle.  A mysterious culmination of symptoms that have no definitive cause or cure.  Fibro-mites...or as I like to call them...fibro-nauts describe pain, fatigue, and about a bizillion other bizarre complaints that frankly make me chuckle.  I mean, some of the things my patients do!  I sometimes have to hide my face in their file while they are talking to me so I don't bust a vessel laughing!  Other times I leave the room and tell them I am going to consult with one of my colleagues and get me a cup of coffee while I compose myself. 
Reporter:  Are you saying this disease is not real?
Dr. J:  That's a hard one.  Some of my patients describe their pain as feeling like they have been set on fire, or beaten with a meat mallet...some say their eyeballs feel like they are popping out of their heads.  One patient complained of the sensation of being stung by a swarm of hornets.   Others fall asleep at their computers, crawl on their hands and knees to the bathroom while the family just sits there watching the Simpson's and step over them to get to the kitchen for more popcorn...Do you hear what I'm saying...Do you get my drift?  Just listen to these symptoms!  I TRY to believe...I really do.
Reporter:  So you don't take them seriously?  You don't treat them?  What do you do to detect this disorder.
Dr J:  Of course I treat them.  First I have them lay naked on the examining table then I poke them with an ice pick...No No...that's just a joke.  I press on their trigger points with a metal rod and if they levitate, or punch me in the nads, I tell them they have fibro.  Then I give them several treatment options.  I like to use what I call transversal distraction.  If they tell me their legs hurt, I suggest they smack their hand with a hammer.  You see...the pain in their hand takes their mind of the leg pain.  I tell them to get a hobby, read a book...collect stamps...just do SOMETHING to take their minds off their pain!  If they continue to return to me with the same complaints I will prescribe them a cocktail of drugs that may or may not work.  But that option is a last resort. Drugs are the devil's playpen.  Plus you know how closely drugs are monitored these days.  I can't risk losing my license from handing out pain killers willy nilly.
Reporter:  Don't you rule out other diseases before you diagnose them with fibro?
Dr J:  But of course!  Thousands of dollars worth of blood work, MRI's...spinal taps...Ouch that hurts!  Listen.  I'd LOVE to talk longer about this but I have to run.  The wifey is demonstrating a new eye shadow today and I promised I would be there to help her lift the plastic compact. 
Reporter:  Sounds like she might have this disease if she can't lift a tiny eye shadow compact.
Dr J:  (scratches his head and rolls his eyes).  Whatever.  Feel free to buy my new book at the door as you leave called 'Cooking With Garlic...It's A Gas!"
Dr. Poindexter Jackhammer leaves the stage but not before a woman in a wheel chair hurls her cellphone at him and breaks his nose.
Of course this is just a silly parody, but last night I had a phone call from a friend in VA who, after three years was just dx'd with both Lyme and Fibro.  She went through four eye rolling  Rhuemy's and two neurologists before finally getting an answer.  She said her file was literally 8 inches thick.  They hit a nerve with the spinal tap and she has shooting pain every day from 'the nick'.
There are some great doc's out there and I have one of them...as do most of you. Thank you to those who have really tried to help us.  I feel very fortunate!
fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: Lexapro and valium

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 3/28/2009 7:23 AM (GMT -7)   

This is, of course, hilarious-you really do need to make a book out of these things you write. There are a lot of us "fibr-mites" out there and every one of us could benefit from your humor!!

However-your post does bring up a valid, troubling issue-why do so many Dr.'s refuse to take us seriously??!!?? Yes, there are many good ones out there (those of you that have one of the good ones-thank your lucky stars!!) but so many Dr.'s either refuse to believe there's actually anything wrong or, if they do diagnose us with fibro, refuse to do anything about it (they get that sort of shoulder shrug "meh" attitude-like-yes, you have fibro, but I can't help you with that at all. too bad. have a nice life. My last Dr. fell into the latter category...) Oh, I wish the medical community would get their act together!!!
love and hugs

fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 1014
   Posted 3/28/2009 8:57 AM (GMT -7)   


Donna.. you are too danged funny!!  I agree with my buddy Danielle.. you need to write a book!!  Or do stand up or something.. you've got a gift GIRL!!!  Of course this one is getting copied and put lovingly into my fibro file.... (lol fibro-file!!! sounds like sounds like somekinda pervert you need to be notified about in your neighborhood!! shocked )

Thanks for the laugh, Sweetie!!!  You really made my day!!! turn


Fibormyalgia, 4x Lyme Disease Survivor, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia, 2 Lumbar Disk Herniations, Allergies, Bi-lateral Carpal Tunnel, Psoriasis. 
Meds = Elavil, Tramadol, Xanax, Lipitor
"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" - author unknown

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 386
   Posted 3/28/2009 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
tongue So Funny, but so true in some cases.

Thanx for sharing and I am happy your friend has finally gotten the diagnosis she needed and I hope she starts getting some long awaited relief.

Dx Fibro 1/2008, gastritis
600mg Gabapentin, 50mg Pristiq, Ultracet and/or Fentanyl patch as needed, Vitamin D3, Menopausal Support Multi-vitamin

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 726
   Posted 3/28/2009 1:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the laugh today.  I am so sick & I so needed it.  I enjoy your writing & hope you will do something with it.  I am, also, going to print this off & keep it.  Another Donna "special" for those times I am down & need a lift.  Better then an anti depressant!!!!   LOL  Love & hugs, Denise

 I have:  Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, Holt-Oram Syndrome, nasal allergies, food allergies, depression, TMJ, anxiety  Married to a wonderful supportive husband & between us we have 4 children & 7 grandchildren As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it.    Prov. 25:11

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 610
   Posted 3/28/2009 2:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I didnt know my doctor did a lecture on fibro. I swear that's my doctor. Thank you for the laugh, it was very cute and very true lol. Truth hurts lol.

26 year old Female , single mother of 2 kids, on SSI for migraines, pain, pancreas issues
All the things broken with me: Migraines, Fibromyalgia, Chronic lower back pain that causes severe pain/numbness/tingling especially to my left leg, Genetic Pancreatic Divisum that causes chronic pancreatitas, Asthma, Depression w/Anxiety/panic attacks
Prescription Meds:Suboxone 24mgs daily, Cymbalta 60mg nightly, Lyrica 50mgs nightly, Imitrex as needed, Ibprofen 800 twice daily, Zanaflex as needed, Ventolin as needed for asthma attacks, Advair twice daily
Over the conter meds: Benadryl nightly for itching due to meds (not sure which one yet),
Surgeries: Gallbladder removed at 15 years old, 2 ERCPs, stent put in pancreas, countless upper GI scopes, Bartholin gland opened permanetly due to recurring painful cysts
Goals: to go to college next fall to be a nurse and get off of SSI
Wishful thinking: to not be in pain!!!

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