I hate to see you hurting (in your heart). I know that you're not feeling okay or secure with how the relationship is. Right now is a tough time for both you and him. I can't say if you should make the call to quit. That's something that only you two can decide. But it is something that you need to sit down and talk with him about
. I know, I know.. you're not feeling like you can talk to him right now. But this is something that you two had to talk about
to start it, and it's something that you two need to talk about
to finish it.
You may be surprised at how he's feeling. You've made remarks before about
him not having the best communication skills. It may just be that he's scared for your health, and he doesn't know how to express that. A lot of times when people don't have the ability to communicate that kind of thing, they instead will push you away as a pre-emptive move to prevent themselves from being hurt. This kind of thing happens a lot of times in military marriages where one partner is getting ready to be deployed and the mate that's staying home starts getting grouchy and snippy because if they don't "love them as much" it won't hurt so bad when the other one leaves.
Another point to keep in mind is that WORRY is one of those emotions that we as humans don't really have a good way to dispose of. It's like when you have a child that's been out all night that didn't call to say they were okay. When you finally do see them, you yell. You're not really yelling because you were angry - you're yelling because you were worried. And the morphing the worry into hostility is the only real way that we know how to dissipate the fear and worry.
Really the only thing that I can encourage you to do is to try and talk to him. I know you have to "wait and see" what kind of a mood he's in before you talk to him. That's why I would suggest that you ask him to look at his work schedule, any appointments, etc and you look at your own - that way you two can schedule a time to talk this through. If he already knows what the subject is going to be, then he has the time to get his head in the right place. And if he doesn't get his head into the right place to be able to talk about
it - then that's not your problem - it's his.
The remark about
you always saying that you're hurting really hit home with me. This is something that I'm having to go through myself. I pretty much hurt all the time. When I'm at home I feel that I can be relaxed and honest about
my status, so I tend to say it more. When I'm not at work, and not having to put on the public smiling face, I say more of how I feel. The DBF ends up feeling that he's either somehow failing me by not doing enough to prevent me from having the pain of movement (putting away groceries, etc) or else that he's somehow the cause of the pain. He and I have had to have some serious talks about
this due to the feeling of inadequacy that has been a residual effect of my honesty.
Regardless of the outcome (split or stay) you two need to talk. I hope that you have a chance to express to him all the things that you treasure about
the relationship and hopefully you'll have a chance to hear him express all the things that he treasures about
it too. And you guys will remember why it is that you got together in the first place.
I don't know if you will find any of the above advice helpful at all, but if you decide that you want to talk further about
it, then you're welcome to email me. You've been one of the people who's posts I've payed a lot of attention since your relationship with Jay is so similar to mine (age difference and all) and I would like to be able to give back the support that I was able to take from you and your postings.
Post Edited (Piercings) : 5/26/2009 6:05:26 PM (GMT-6)