My Ex is at the hospital every evening, he is calling my Father for information and he is giving it freely.
My Mother has admitted that she loved my Ex more than me and that is why she stopped contact with the children and I when the Ex and I split up, she has told me that she wanted him all to herself and that she knew my Ex would do anything to get me back, so she told lies knowing that I would not want anypart of that and would stay away.
I am exhausted and emotionally drained, I am caught between a rock and a hard place, I want to retreive the relationship my Mother and I once had but I also want her to go because I know she will get another chest infection and have to go through all of this again, she is afraid of my Father and will not rest when she has to because he moans and makes her feel bad, he is of the opinion that all her troubles are smoking related, so she hides her illness well.
I also feel that we can never go back to where we where, my Father and Brothers are still sitting on the fence and I believe that you love your children and siblings unconditionally, you do not sit in judgement, you love, care and support always, they are not doing that and I feel that I won't be free until my Mother has gone because then they will melt away as she is the only link to me.
I feel evil and wicked but am trying so hard to put the past behind me, that is so very difficult when they are all still sitting in judgement and supporting my Ex, my mother has said she was wicked for putting my Ex before her Daughter and Grandchildren but she is hallucinating (spelling) for a lot of the time so I am even more confused.
I so want them all to see the truth and to know that I my children and I are loved but I know in my heart that is never going to happen and I would like to be able to walk away and let them get on with it but my consciounce won't allow me to do that, I feel I am trapped in a nightmare that I can't escape from.