We NEED to do medical bankruptcy. And yet again...we're in the negative. At this point, I want to point a huge honking finger at my mom. She asked us to pay for all the stuff for all the July birthdays (one huge shindig combining five relatives). So we did. She said she'd pay us back and she hasn't. Matter of fact...she's saying we "offered" to pay. And now we're a hundred in the negative and it's only going to get worse since hubby and I won't get paid until the end of the month.
I swear...the stress alone from the past two months is getting worse and worse. In about a month or two, we'll be...well, homeless. We've been living with my brother who sort of just decided to move out of his house that he's been putting payments on (its understandable since he lost the job that really managed to pay for this place) and he wants to be closer to his sons. Fine...okay...except he kind of just out of the blue decided this. Maybe at the middle of last month is when he started talking to his ex about helping her pay rent on some place that's far...FAR...from where either myself of my husband work. Our car's acting up again...we need a new transmission. I'm only working half-time (which is less then part-time). My husband has insurance which is great...except about three months into actually HAVING his great PPO that we were paying 200 out of EVERY check for it...they changed from prepaid visits to deductibles. This means...instead of 30 bucks...we're shelling out 60-70 when we get billed. I just went to visit the rheumy and I KNOW that visits going to cost me a good 200-300 for all the fun first visit stuff...plus he took like 5 x-rays and took bloodwork.
I put in for this job...and I want it so bad but they haven't called me back yet. When I say I need to put in for medical bankruptcy...I mean it. I owe this one hospital like 23,000 because at the time, I didn't have insurance. I feel like I can't really breathe...I'm freaking out a bit. LOL. I know that I'm supposed to try to be calmer...not stress. I can't breathe from all the stress that's literally unavoidable in my life. If I got this job...I'm not sure how I'd get there and back. It's a full-time job which I'm sort of scared I won't be able to do. What's funny is that its a call service job...where I'd be sitting all day. I need this job. The one I'm doing...is what I trained to do, work in a Library. I even got a stupid 2-year degree that got me the second lowest job inside a library (not including janitors).
In about a month, I will probably be living with my mother since we don't even have the credit for an apartment to take us. My mother. She thinks the neighbors do crap to her. She believes that if we all pray together enough...my Crohns will vanish...and now this DD will as well. When I had a good few days with the Crohns...she would actually say that God "healed" me. Reality was that I probably was downing 2 Ensures a day (one at breakfast for meds and one at dinner for meds) for a week to even feel well for a few days. And dernitall...I KNOW that I'm not working well on the three pain killers a day my dr prescribed. That barely gets me out of bed even though they upped the Lyrica to 200 mg. a day and I still have to get to work (where I went from 12-16 hours a week to 8). I can deal with the flashes of depression I get but mostly I just want to sleep when the Lyrica and pain meds wear off (which is what I usually do unless I have to work...and then I just save the pain meds to make through 4 hours of work). Plus, I got in trouble for...and here's something I find really kind of stupid...I got a "written warning" for forgetting to approve my e-timecard at work. So now...every time I go in, I'm approving it first thing when I sit at the circulation desk.
I'm pretty good at dealing with depression...really. I went to a shrink a couple of years ago...I got some good ways of dealing with it...but honestly. I want a way OUT of the freaking mess that comes from just the medical community. I pay out 350 a month from my 400 paycheck (I get a monthly paycheck where some months I work a ton of hours and apparently with the lovely pay raise that began at the beginning of this month...that coincides with the remarkable loss of hours for anyone who has my job title) just to all the past dr. bills from my LAST surgery in February.
Oh man...I didn't want to rant here...I don't. I just...I can't think. I can't breathe. Most days I can't stand the thought of waking up because I'm so tired and so I try to just go back to sleep where I NEVER feel like I actually slept. I've been semi-awake for what feels like months now. I know this isn't a great way to get to know me. I don't come around the Crohns area much anymore since...I complained there...LOL. I sometimes use this site to read up on others thoughts and sometimes give advise here and there or a kind word but sometimes I feel like all I use this place for is to finally have a place where I can explode...and not feel judged...or told "that things could be worse" or anything else I always hear.
I don't know how I'm going to stand living with my mother for however long it will be. I just wanna go throw myself off a bridge at the thought of living with her again. Honestly. She's so awful now. Everything...EVERYTHING...is everyone else's fault. The neighbors, my dad, us, her siblings, EVERYTHING. She has narcolepsy, a heart infection that gets worse every day, COPD, and I could SWEAR she's a paranoid schizophrenic. She hears her guardian angel talk to her and that's how she "knows" things. She's paranoid my dad's cheating on her, the neighbors are out to get her...she has blocks of wood in the windows with them locked. When she didn't have A/C (it was broken), she WOULD NOT leave both the front and back door screens open if she wasn't in that room. You can hear and see from the living room to the kitchen where the back sliding door is and vice versa but she wouldn't do it. She makes any one of me or my siblings go and check every room upstairs before we leave the house.
Oh golly...how am I going to live with her again...without killing her or myself, I don't know. She thinks my sweet beloved husband has or will cheat on me. Which just...he wouldn't do that. Honestly, he doesn't have it in him...we don't have a relationship where that's an option...he's the one truly great thing in my life...and I know I'm the same for him. I'm going to have to subject him to living with her. He knows she thinks he cheated and he had it out with her a couple of months ago...on an issue defining "respect". I did something that upset her...she literally threw a temper tantrum screaming about how me and my husband disrespect her...and my husband (most laidback, easy-going guy there is) shouted (which I've never even seen him do in 9 years of being together/dating/married) "YOU WANNA TALK about DISRESPECT?! HOW about SAYING THAT I'M F-ING AROUND ON YOUR DAUGHTER?! WHAT'S THAT SAY about HER, HUH? AND WHAT'S THAT SAY about SPREADING THOSE VILE F-ING LIES about ME TO YOUR WHOLE FAMILY?!!" Ten years actually...next week...since the day we first went on our first date...we've been inseparable...and I've NEVER seen him yell at an elder. His parents are old-school Filipino's. So is my dad...and you just NEVER disrespect an elder...ever. That's what my mother is like.
And off I go on a rant again. I'd go sleep...if I thought I'd actually...I dunno...get real sleep.
27/f/CD. 4 CD related surgeries: 2 resections, 2 JP drains, 3 NG tubes, many absesses (including the one my most recent surgery scraped off my ovary) and fistulas.
Have lost in these surgeries: appendix, 8 in. intestine, R fallopian tube, gallbladder, 10 in. intestine
<b>Crohns</b> Dx'd: February 2008.
<b>Fibromyalgia</b> Dx'd: July 21, 2009